Politics Headlines

Economy doing brilliantly if you compare it to 28 Days Later, says Hammond

BRITAIN'S economy is thriving in comparison to the virus-ravaged world depicted in the film 28 Days Later, Philip Hammond has announced.

May warns Russia to assassinate people more responsibly

THE government has warned Russia to be more careful when trying to kill people.

A spoonful of economic ruin is the medicine Britain needs, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

Due to cosy EU regulations on food standards, 'human rights' and the sickening affordability of foreign travel to the low-born, we have lost our British mettle.

Unite around my nutter's version of Brexit, May tells Britain

THE prime minister has told the UK to come together and unite behind a vision of Brexit which only a minority of nutters want.

Northern Ireland border could be beaded curtain, says government

THE government has suggested that the border between Ireland and Northern Ireland could be one of those beaded curtains popular in the 1970s. 

Labour unveils plan to stay in EU but be a bit arsey about it

LABOUR’S Brexit strategy is to stay in the EU but in a really grudging way and moan all the time, the party has announced.

Corbyn waiting at Dover to give signal to Czechoslovakian invaders

JEREMY Corbyn is hunkered down near the White Cliffs of Dover ready to send a signal to the secretly reunified country of Czechoslovakia to invade the United Kingdom.

Rees-Mogg to turn back into puppet if he tells one more lie

JACOB Rees-Mogg has been warned that if he tells another lie he will turn back into a little wooden puppet.

May gives speech about what she would do if she was prime minister

THERESA May will today give a keynote speech outlining what she would do about something if she was the prime minister of Britain.

Boris Johnson unveils sock puppet sidekick

BORIS Johnson will use his Brexit speech today to introduce Little Boris, a puppet on his right hand that foolishly supports Remain. 

Brexit only really happening to Brexit voters

A REGIONAL breakdown of Brexit’s impact has shown that Brexit only really happens to you if you voted for it. 

Rees-Mogg 'alarmed and aroused' by EU 'punishment'

JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted to being alarmed and quite turned on by the thought of EU punishment.