Politics Headlines

Johnson to regain majority by challenging Commons to British Bulldog

BORIS Johnson is to restore his majority by challenging the Commons to British Bulldog then stopping the game when everyone has crossed the floor.

The opium kicked in, Rees-Mogg admits

JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted that he only lay down on a Commons front bench because the opium had seriously hit.

How today's no-deal debate will work

IN THE most important 24 hours for British parliamentary democracy since last time, MPs will today attempt to prevent a no-deal Brexit. Here’s how it will work.

Johnson gets Downing Street podium out to announce he has a puppy

THE prime minister has made a statement to the nation that he has a lovely new puppy that he enjoys petting.

Gove: we will ignore laws against no-deal Brexit and cocaine use

MICHAEL Gove has confirmed the government will ignore any law passed against a no-deal Brexit and existing laws prohibiting cocaine. 

What isn't prorogation?

PROROGATION, the word on every Briton’s lips this week, definitely means the dissolution of Parliament before a Queen’s speech.

Any party promising more public lavatories 'would win election in landslide'

ANY political party promising free, clean toilets in city centres would win 88 per cent of the vote, research has found.

F**k this sh*t, by Ruth Davidson

I REGRET that I must resign as leader of the Scottish Conservative party, because: f**k this sh*t.

Destroying Alderaan 'business as usual', asserts Tory MP

THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.

Queen a fat lot of f**king use, realises Britain

THE UK has finally concluded that the monarchy is as useful in a crisis as an upside-down urinal, it has emerged.

Britain officially a banana republic

BRITAIN is now officially a banana republic with sunshine, a sham democracy and a reasonably good football team.

Five backstop solutions that are obvious if you're thick

ARE you sick of the backstop getting in the way of Brexit while being too moronic to understand what it is? Leave voter Martin Bishop runs down the alternatives.