BORIS Johnson is to restore his majority by challenging the Commons to British Bulldog then stopping the game when everyone has crossed the floor.
JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted that he only lay down on a Commons front bench because the opium had seriously hit.
IN THE most important 24 hours for British parliamentary democracy since last time, MPs will today attempt to prevent a no-deal Brexit. Here’s how it will work.
THE prime minister has made a statement to the nation that he has a lovely new puppy that he enjoys petting.
MICHAEL Gove has confirmed the government will ignore any law passed against a no-deal Brexit and existing laws prohibiting cocaine.
PROROGATION, the word on every Briton’s lips this week, definitely means the dissolution of Parliament before a Queen’s speech.
ANY political party promising free, clean toilets in city centres would win 88 per cent of the vote, research has found.
I REGRET that I must resign as leader of the Scottish Conservative party, because: f**k this sh*t.
THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.
THE UK has finally concluded that the monarchy is as useful in a crisis as an upside-down urinal, it has emerged.
BRITAIN is now officially a banana republic with sunshine, a sham democracy and a reasonably good football team.
ARE you sick of the backstop getting in the way of Brexit while being too moronic to understand what it is? Leave voter Martin Bishop runs down the alternatives.