Politics Headlines

The Government's No-Deal Brexit Preparations Guide and Complimentary Bodybag

DEAR householder, this leaflet outlines the various preparations that British citizens should make for a No-Deal Brexit. Page 24 unfolds into a free human remains pouch.

May to run screaming through 80 miles of wheat

THERESA May is to formally resign as prime minister then run shrieking like a banshee through 80 miles of wheat, it has emerged.

What Boris Johnson will do in his first 24 hours as prime minister

BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them?

Iain Duncan Smith to return as Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith is to return to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

My idiot sons could run this country better than you, Queen tells May

THE Queen has told Theresa May that her useless do-nothing sons would be better at running Britain.

UK resigns

THE UK has handed in its resignation because it is not prepared to work under Boris Johnson as prime minister, it has confirmed.

124,000 mad pensioners seize control of Britain

AN organisation of elderly fascists known as ‘the Tory grassroots’ is to install a megalomaniac man-child as ruler of the UK.

Winner of Nigel Farage lookalike contest to be announced

THE UK is waiting to find out who has won a Nigel Farage lookalike contest and will be awarded the grand prize of Britain.

The upper-class guide to Brexit

THEY are taking their damn time about it, but Brexit is due to take place later this year. But how will it barely affect the upper classes?

How Labour's half-ars*d car-crash of a Brexit policy will fail to work: a timeline

JEREMY Corbyn yesterday announced Labour’s new cock-up of a Brexit policy that nobody will vote for. But how will it fall apart in practice?

Donald Trump's six-step plan to how Brexit should have been done

I TOLD Theresa May how Brexit should be done, but she decided to go another way. The wrong way, because it wasn’t the Trump way. Here’s how it should have been done:

The five stages of accepting Boris Johnson will be prime minister

THE UK is slowly coming to terms with the fact that Boris Johnson will be our next prime minister – but how far along are you in the process?