Politics Headlines

Looks like I've a substantial chance of getting away with my bullshit, says cheerful Johnson

BORIS Johnson has a spring in his step this morning after seeing US voters vote for a lying bastard with nonsense hair in massive numbers.

Five politicians you're completely opposed to but secretly fancy

POLITICS has become so polarised that it’s impossible to admit that you wouldn’t mind giving Dominic Raab one. Form a cross-party coalition with these five...

Farage launches Why Don't I Just F**k Off? Party

NIGEL Farage is making an electoral comeback with a party dedicated to finally making him f**k off permanently.

Six ways to fake your own death, by Boris Johnson

EVER found yourself trapped in an intolerable situation you can’t back out of? Faking your own death begins to seem like the answer.

Dom Cummings announces Lockdown 2 tour dates

DOMINIC Cummings has announced the dates of his forthcoming four-week Lockdown 2 tour of the UK.

Who knew marrying for money could backfire this badly, by Melania Trump

I THOUGHT it would be easy. Marry rich bloated pig man, have quiet life as scowling clothes hanger, wait to outlive him, then have a lovely time as wizened twiglet in killer heels.

The Tory guide to nasty policies you secretly know voters like

ARE you baffled by how the government can keep getting away with nasty, mean-spirited behaviour? Here Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains how it works.

Andy Burnham is the Northern Christ

ANDY Burnham is now the North’s Jesus and will be betrayed at a potato-pie supper before crucifixion on a bleak rainswept hill in Oldham.

'Smirk like nobody's watching': inspirational quotes from Priti Patel

TOUGH day making the hostile environment positively belligerent? Sick of leftie lawyers getting you down? These are the life mottos that I, home secretary Priti Patel, swear by.

Can everyone please focus on how we're f**king up Brexit?

YES, the pandemic is on everyone’s minds right now. But can we all stop debating tiers and lockdown and devote a moment to admiring how badly we’re f**king up Brexit?

The Brexiter's guide to pretending whatever deal Johnson gets is the exact deal you wanted

BORIS Johnson’s deal with the EU is likely to be a huge disappointment to Leave voters who never knew what they wanted anyway. Tell yourself this lot of bollocks:

Andy Burnham a bit worried about this red wedding invitation he's been sent

MANCHESTER mayor Andy Burnham has admitted being suspicious about a wedding invitation he has received which is unusually red.