Politics Headlines

Don't stay together on our account, Britain tells Tories

THE UK has told the Conservative party that if it is trying to hold things together for their sake then go ahead and split up.

UK only getting for Christmas what it wanted in June 2016, Tories confirm

THE UK is only allowed the Christmas gifts it wanted on a whim in June 2016 whether or not it has changed its mind since, the government has confirmed.

Hammond delivers upbeat Budget based on drug-induced dreamscape filled with electric unicorns

CHANCELLOR Philip Hammond has predicted an economic boom after a dream he had about electric unicorns.

We're in this f**king mess because Ed Miliband eats bacon like a horse, confirm experts

BRITAIN is f**ked into a cocked hat because the former leader of the Labour Party did not know how to eat bacon, experts have confirmed.  

Shit-shoveller to keep job until all the shit is shovelled

THERESA May is allowed to keep her position as universally loathed shit-shoveller until the shit is shovelled, the Conservatives have confirmed.

We were actually far more liberal than he is, says Victorian ghost child about Jacob Rees-Mogg

THE ghost of a Victorian child has distanced herself and her era from the cruel policies of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Government delays universal credit rollout until after it has f**ked up everything else

THE government has postponed the rollout of universal credit until it can be lost among all of its other upcoming serious fuck-ups.