Politics Headlines

Use your own judgment over Christmas, Johnson tells country full of idiots

A PRIME minister whose position is proof that Britain makes f**king terrible decisions has told us to ‘use our own judgment’ over Christmas.

The Leave voter's guide to who to blame for Brexit

BREXIT’S going tits-up, and it can’t be your fault because you voted Leave. Wayne Hayes explains who to point the finger at for undermining our sovereignty.

Sending a blank PDF: the deadline-dodging tricks of Boris Johnson

THE EU keeps imposing deadlines like idiots who don’t know they’re up against the most experienced deadline-dodger in politics. Here’s how I mock them.

Boris Johnson to remember it's Brexit deadline day at about 4pm

THE prime minister is today expected to rise late, enjoy a lengthy lunch, lie about farting then remember his Brexit deadline at approximately 4pm.

Fate of entire nation depends on Boris taking a woman seriously

THE fate of the whole UK depends on Boris Johnson taking a woman to dinner, listening to what she says and taking it seriously.

How to cry, by Matt Hancock

ORDERED to cry on telly by Downing Street PR, even though you’ve spent nine months feeling so sorry for yourself you no longer have tears left?

'I'll cut off my own dick, don't think I won't,' Johnson threatens EU

BORIS Johnson has threatened the EU with severing his own penis unless he is given the free trade deal he wants.

Lone benefit of Brexit will be schadenfreude, experts confirm

THE only benefit Britain will realise from Brexit is that 16 million people can enjoy saying ‘Told you so,’ experts have confirmed.

How to buy for six or seven or more kids this Christmas, by Boris Johnson

THERE are only 36 shopping days until Christmas is cancelled. Joking! But assuming it does happen, how does one go about shopping for an indeterminate number of kids?

Why police and teachers have earned their pay freeze, by Rishi Sunak

OUR police and teachers are the backbone of society, out there on the frontlines when so many are cowering at home. That’s why I, Rishi Sunak, think they’ve earned every penny of their pay freeze.

Government unveils plan for thousands of unnecessary deaths called 'Save Christmas'

THE prime minister has announced plans to cause thousands of avoidable deaths in a scheme he calls ‘saving Christmas’.

Corbyn reinstated after 19-day anti-semitism binge to get it out of his system

JEREMY Corbyn has been reinstated to the Labour party after purging all anti-semitism from his system with a 19-day binge.