Politics Headlines

What isn't prorogation?

PROROGATION, the word on every Briton’s lips this week, definitely means the dissolution of Parliament before a Queen’s speech.

Any party promising more public lavatories 'would win election in landslide'

ANY political party promising free, clean toilets in city centres would win 88 per cent of the vote, research has found.

F**k this sh*t, by Ruth Davidson

I REGRET that I must resign as leader of the Scottish Conservative party, because: f**k this sh*t.

Destroying Alderaan 'business as usual', asserts Tory MP

THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.

Queen a fat lot of f**king use, realises Britain

THE UK has finally concluded that the monarchy is as useful in a crisis as an upside-down urinal, it has emerged.

Britain officially a banana republic

BRITAIN is now officially a banana republic with sunshine, a sham democracy and a reasonably good football team.

Five backstop solutions that are obvious if you're thick

ARE you sick of the backstop getting in the way of Brexit while being too moronic to understand what it is? Leave voter Martin Bishop runs down the alternatives.

It'll be just like The Good Life, say cheerful no-dealers

NO-DEAL Brexiters claim that after October 31st life will be a jolly self-sufficient romp growing vegetables, keeping pigs and having it off with Felicity Kendal.

Five great reasons to hate the Lib Dems all over again

THE Liberal Democrats are making a comeback by once again sounding reasonable and sane compared to everyone else. Here’s how to justify your instinctive loathing.

Farage labels Queen Mother 'overweight, chain smoking gin drinker' without realising that's half the country

NIGEL Farage labelled the Queen Mother an 'overweight, chain smoking gin drinker' without realising that describes most of Britain and 95  percent of his own party.

'Marry Wales, shag Northern Ireland, kill Scotland', says Johnson

THE prime minister’s tour of the UK has convinced him that he should marry Wales, f**k Northern Ireland and kill Scotland.

The Government's No-Deal Brexit Preparations Guide and Complimentary Bodybag

DEAR householder, this leaflet outlines the various preparations that British citizens should make for a No-Deal Brexit. Page 24 unfolds into a free human remains pouch.