Politics Headlines

Monday morning and I'm still f**king here, says May

THE prime minister has announced that it is Monday fucking morning and she is still fucking here.

Explained: The six possible Brexit shitshows

THE UK has reached a Brexit crossroads, but which ill-advised choice will we make and which completely avoidable shitshow will we stumble idiotically into? Here are six possible scenarios:

We'd still vote Brexit, say people who pay little or no attention to the news

LEAVE voters who read newspapers from the back forward and watch the news twice a year have confirmed they would still vote for Brexit.

Dominic Raab to petrol bomb your house then petrol bomb the fire brigade

DOMINIC Raab has unveiled plans to throw petrol bombs at your house and then petrol bomb the fire engine as soon as it arrives.

Northern Ireland re-named 'West Belgium' in Brexit deal

THE finalised Brexit deal imposes full EU rules on Northern Ireland, changes its official language to Flemish, bans religion and renames it West Belgium.

Shit finally completes 29-month journey towards fan

THE bucketful of shit first upended in June 2016 has finally completed its slow 29-month journey through the air and is now hitting the fan.

Don't stay together on our account, Britain tells Tories

THE UK has told the Conservative party that if it is trying to hold things together for their sake then go ahead and split up.

UK only getting for Christmas what it wanted in June 2016, Tories confirm

THE UK is only allowed the Christmas gifts it wanted on a whim in June 2016 whether or not it has changed its mind since, the government has confirmed.

Hammond delivers upbeat Budget based on drug-induced dreamscape filled with electric unicorns

CHANCELLOR Philip Hammond has predicted an economic boom after a dream he had about electric unicorns.

We're in this f**king mess because Ed Miliband eats bacon like a horse, confirm experts

BRITAIN is f**ked into a cocked hat because the former leader of the Labour Party did not know how to eat bacon, experts have confirmed.  

Shit-shoveller to keep job until all the shit is shovelled

THERESA May is allowed to keep her position as universally loathed shit-shoveller until the shit is shovelled, the Conservatives have confirmed.