Politics Headlines

UK resigns

THE UK has handed in its resignation because it is not prepared to work under Boris Johnson as prime minister, it has confirmed.

124,000 mad pensioners seize control of Britain

AN organisation of elderly fascists known as ‘the Tory grassroots’ is to install a megalomaniac man-child as ruler of the UK.

Winner of Nigel Farage lookalike contest to be announced

THE UK is waiting to find out who has won a Nigel Farage lookalike contest and will be awarded the grand prize of Britain.

The upper-class guide to Brexit

THEY are taking their damn time about it, but Brexit is due to take place later this year. But how will it barely affect the upper classes?

How Labour's half-ars*d car-crash of a Brexit policy will fail to work: a timeline

JEREMY Corbyn yesterday announced Labour’s new cock-up of a Brexit policy that nobody will vote for. But how will it fall apart in practice?

Donald Trump's six-step plan to how Brexit should have been done

I TOLD Theresa May how Brexit should be done, but she decided to go another way. The wrong way, because it wasn’t the Trump way. Here’s how it should have been done:

The five stages of accepting Boris Johnson will be prime minister

THE UK is slowly coming to terms with the fact that Boris Johnson will be our next prime minister – but how far along are you in the process?

Johnson or Corbyn - who would be the worst company?

DUE to a hospitality mix-up, you’ve invited either prime-minister-in-waiting Boris Johnson or prime-minister-in-exile Jeremy Corbyn to a dinner party. But which would be the worst company?

How Boris Johnson's immigration points system will work

BORIS Johnson wants to bring in an immigration points system for the UK. But how will it work?

'They call me… The Busmaker'

CONSERVATIVE leadership candidate Boris Johnson has revealed himself to be the mysterious Busmaker of myth and legend.

Johnson pledges tax cut for unicorn breeders

BORIS Johnson has vowed to slash taxes for Britain’s hard-pressed unicorn breeders.

My track record of f**king things up and running away is irrelevant to my becoming prime minister

MEDIA commentators are claiming my family life, in which I have a decades-long track record of badly screwing everything up and walking away unconcerned, is somehow relevant to my political ambitions.