Politics Headlines

Johnson beaten like a f**king gong

BORIS Johnson has been beaten by the supreme court like a f**king gong at dinnertime, it has emerged.

The circumstances that would force Boris Johnson to resign

BORIS Johnson will not resign if found to have lied to the Queen or about the other thing when as Mayor he gave cash to one of his shags. But what would make him?

The Brexiter's guide to misunderstanding democracy

ARE you a Brexiter unable to stop howling about democracy despite not knowing how it works? Here’s how to be a shouty, ill-informed w**ker.

Boris Johnson searching UK for place he won't get a boll*cking

THE prime minister is searching the whole of Britain to find a location he can visit without a member of the public tearing him a new ars*hole.

Supreme court to call Mail Online comments section as witness

THE supreme court has decided that it will hear expert legal advice from the Mail Online comments section in today’s prorogation hearing.

Index of Cameron's book has no entry for 'pig'

REVIEWERS of David Cameron’s new memoir For The Record have confirmed that its index has no entry for the word ‘pig’. 

Hulk metaphor lapped up by Brexit voters who are definitely not stupid

BORIS Johnson's hulk metaphor has been welcomed by Brexit supporters who are not stupid and knew exactly what they were voting for.

Cameron book stuns with revelation that Johnson and Gove are twats

DAVID Cameron’s memoir has left the nation reeling with the revelation that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are a pair of twats.

How David Cameron sleeps at night

FORMER prime minister David Cameron sleeps in a crypt which contains no reflective surfaces or timepieces.

Fear of clowns no longer irrational

COULROPHOBIA, or the fear of clowns, has been reclassified from an anxiety disorder to a perfectly reasonable response to modern life.

'You lied to me, you fat f**k,' says Queen

THE Queen has been heard to murmur ‘You lied to me, you f**king fat f**k’ while watching the news.

Corbyn so reasonable supporter worried he's been drugged

JEREMY Corbyn is taking political positions so rational that a worried supporter is afraid he is being drugged and controlled.