Politics Headlines

Government announces crackdown on blaming police cuts for crime

THE government is to impose minimum 10-year sentences on anyone attempting to blame police cuts for rising crime, it has announced. 

Ministers claim third Heathrow runway vital for mass exodus from this shitty country

HEATHROW’S controversial third runway is vital for the forthcoming exodus from this arsed-up country, government officials have confirmed.

Get back on the canals, May tells North

THE prime minister has responded to the northern rail crisis by ordering locals off trains and back on narrowboats where they belong. 

Only 17 massive new problems with Brexit discovered today

ONLY 17 immense Brexit problems have emerged in the last 24 hours, an upbeat Theresa May has confirmed.

House of Lords only senile old bastards in country who don't back Brexit

THE House of Lords has shocked Britain by being full of senile old bastards who are not backing Brexit. 

Piss off you old ratbag it's my go, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has decided he may as well just tell the prime minister to piss off.

Brexiter discovers 'House of Lords'

THERE is apparently a ‘House of Lords’ which should be abolished immediately, a Brexiter has discovered. 

I can't believe that f**king worked, says May

THERESA May is stunned that Amber Rudd's resignation caused everyone to forget the Windrush deportations were entirely her idea, she had admitted.