Politics Headlines

What's happened to Boris's vim, vigour and insatiable desire to commit adultery?

WHERE is the Boris Johnson I voted for? The Boris of bounce, of exuberance, of childlike glee and crazy risks, the Boris unafraid to sow his wild oats?

Apologies, we misvoted, says Britain

THE UK has apologised for the prime minister for the momentary error it made in the polling booth last December which it will rectify as soon as possible.

The things about Britain's shit trains that won't be changing, by Grant Shapps

RAIL franchises are being scrapped, but rest assured you’ll still be getting the shitehouse train service that is every Briton’s birthright.

You're ruining this for me

DO you know how long I’ve wanted to be prime minister? My whole life. And I finally get here and what happens? You, the British people, seem determined to ruin it.

How to tell the difference between Keir Starmer and a Tory

PATRIOTISM, family, security: Starmer’s version of Labour sounds well Tory. Here’s how to spot the difference.

Gove: 'Get drunk in the office, work in the pub and never mix with anyone from your household'

MICHAEL Gove has ordered Britain to work from pubs, drink in the office and only meet members of their household outside.

How to not be able to live on £150k, by Boris Johnson

DO YOU think you could live comfortably on the prime minister’s £150,000 salary? Think again. Boris Johnson explains how hard it is.

Country run by f**knuts somehow f**ked

THE UK’s status as officially f**ked and its leadership by total f**knuts could be connected, it has emerged.

Boris Johnson's guide to looking like complete shit

HATING your job? Pay too low? House cramped? Didn’t really plan on living with a newborn when you were 56? With this and more you too can look a f**king state.

Are you too thick to vote?

BRITAIN’S current crisis is the result of voters failing to understand important issues, experts claim. So are you one of Britain’s thick-as-pigshit voters?

UK law now opt-in

BRITISH law now only applies to you if you ticked the box when you were filling in the form, it has emerged.

Eight specific and limited ways of breaking the law in certain very tightly defined circumstances

THE Government has announced it will break the law to do something it wants to do. When can you do the same?