Politics Headlines

New centrist party to unite all the shittest bits of UK politics

A PARTY that sat between the Conservatives and Labour on the political spectrum would be a strange hybrid of the worse parts of both of them, it has been confirmed.

Rise in violent crime unrelated to police cuts, Tories and criminals agree

THE Conservatives and violent criminals have issued a joint statement stating that rising crime figures are nothing to do with the loss of 20,000 police officers. 

UK would still vote for Brexit on basis that nothing happens

BRITONS would still vote for Brexit on the basis that nothing has yet happened or is likely to happen, they have confirmed.

Now we can tell poor people to collect bottles, says Gove

THE UK is to introduce a bottle deposit scheme so when poor people moan they can be told to go out and collect them, the government has announced. 

We've always cared about racism, say people who happen to hate Corbyn

EVERYONE accusing Jeremy Corbyn of tolerating anti-semitism has always been strongly opposed to prejudice in all its forms, they have announced.

Economy doing brilliantly if you compare it to 28 Days Later, says Hammond

BRITAIN'S economy is thriving in comparison to the virus-ravaged world depicted in the film 28 Days Later, Philip Hammond has announced.

May warns Russia to assassinate people more responsibly

THE government has warned Russia to be more careful when trying to kill people.

A spoonful of economic ruin is the medicine Britain needs, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

Due to cosy EU regulations on food standards, 'human rights' and the sickening affordability of foreign travel to the low-born, we have lost our British mettle.