Politics Headlines

EU covers its eyes while UK shits its pants

THE European Union has agreed not to look while the UK spends the next week soiling itself.

Everyone who voted Leave to get £1,000 worth of chips

EVERY single one of the UK’s 17.4 million Leave voters is to get a tax-free lump sum of £1,000 to spend on chips.

Everyone agrees to quietly forget Brexit thing ever happened

EVERYONE has agreed to quietly sweep the referendum result under the carpet, it has been confirmed.

Brexiter can't remember if he means it or if it's just a wind-up

A LEAVE supporter cannot remember if he is actually against Britain’s EU membership or if he just says he is to wind up Remainers.

Tommy Robinson still available in his shed

TOMMY Robinson has confirmed that, while he has been banned from Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, he continues to be available in his shed.

Give the job to the f**king meerkat, agrees Britain

THE UK has agreed that the fucking meerkat from those bollocks website adverts would do a better job of Brexit than Theresa May.

Second referendum could divide Britain, say f**kwits

A SECOND Brexit referendum could leave Britain hopelessly divided in bitter, entrenched opposition, warn idiots who have noticed nothing since 2016.

Eighth Labour MP to quit admits she slept through her alarm on Monday

THE eighth Labour MP to quit for the independent group admitted she was meant to leave on Monday but it had been a big weekend.

Tories regret joining party full of horrible bastards

BITTER infighting over Europe has led Conservatives to question whether it was a good idea to join a party known for being horrible to people.

Corbyn lines up seven marrows then smashes them with a spade

JEREMY Corbyn has lined up seven marrows at his allotment, spoken to them in angry tones then smashed them with a spade, observers confirmed.

Yay, now it's our turn to call people traitors, confirms Labour

A SPLIT in the Labour party today means both of Britain’s leading political parties will spend all their time constantly denouncing traitors. 

Terrifying countdown to f**k-all continues

WITH only 44 days left until an Article 50 extension is forced by parliament, the EU, Theresa May or all three, the public cannot stop watching the countdown.