Politics Headlines

Bagpuss Clings To Power

BAGPUSS, Britain's leading fat, furry cat-puss, was last night accused of intimidating voters in his bid to remain the nation's favourite TV animal.

Government Seeks Drinking Companion For Alistair Darling

THE government is offering £7 an hour to anyone who will have a weekly pint of beer with Chancellor Alistair Darling.

Brown Stuffs Underpants Ahead Of Sarkozy Visit

THE prime minister has shoved a large pair of socks into his underpants ahead of today's state visit by French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

Transport Minister Crucified

THE secretary of state for transport has been crucified at the side of the M6 by an angry mob driven insane by the deliberate closure of the road and rail network over the Easter weekend.

Budget Live!

ALISTAIR Darling has been described as 'the worst chancellor since the invention of numbers'. The pressure is on, but can he pull a rabbit out of his battered red hat? If so, will he then lose the rabbit? Or will the rabbit be appointed to the board of Northern Rock? And is this so-called rabbit domiciled in this country or not? Ladies and gentleman, all the way from Downing Street in London's fashionable West End,  we give you THE BUDGET!

Budget Boost For Headless Horsemen

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling is today expected to throw a budget lifeline to Britain's hard-pressed headless horsemen.

Regulator Will Use Network Rail Fine To Buy Great Big Boat

THE Office of the Rail Regulator is to use the record £14m fine imposed on Network Rail to buy a gigantic motor yacht.

We Only Bug The Brown Ones, Say Police

THE Metropolitan Police have assured beige members of parliament that they only bug the conversations of MPs who are either brown or 'brownish'.