Politics Headlines

Hammond delivers upbeat Budget based on drug-induced dreamscape filled with electric unicorns

CHANCELLOR Philip Hammond has predicted an economic boom after a dream he had about electric unicorns.

We're in this f**king mess because Ed Miliband eats bacon like a horse, confirm experts

BRITAIN is f**ked into a cocked hat because the former leader of the Labour Party did not know how to eat bacon, experts have confirmed.  

Shit-shoveller to keep job until all the shit is shovelled

THERESA May is allowed to keep her position as universally loathed shit-shoveller until the shit is shovelled, the Conservatives have confirmed.

We were actually far more liberal than he is, says Victorian ghost child about Jacob Rees-Mogg

THE ghost of a Victorian child has distanced herself and her era from the cruel policies of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Government delays universal credit rollout until after it has f**ked up everything else

THE government has postponed the rollout of universal credit until it can be lost among all of its other upcoming serious fuck-ups. 

I'm Churchill, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has just come straight out and confirmed that he is Winston Churchill. 

Rees-Mogg calls for post-Brexit crackdown on urchins, ne’er-do-wells and strumpets

TORY MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has claimed Brexit Britain will be a ‘roaring success’ as long as the country ‘gives no quarter to assorted rapscallions’.

May to bring out goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangle it

THE prime minister is to enliven her speech by bringing out a goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangling it. 

You do know we vote, say middle-class coke users

MIDDLE-CLASS cocaine users targeted by the government have politely reminded them that they vote in every election and usually swing Tory. 

Tory conference enters Guinness Book of Records for most bastards in one place

THE Conservative party conference has won a place in The Guinness Book of Records for fitting the largest number of total bastards into one location.

Which of the Tories' big conference ideas are you?

THE Conservative party conference is here, and with it a whole load of incredibly shit ideas. But which of these panicked regurgitations of Thatcherism are you?