Politics Headlines

Wendy Alexander Goes To Toilet By Herself

THE Scottish Labour leader Wendy Alexander was celebrating last night after going to the toilet all by herself.

I Hate Every Last One Of You, Admits Brown

PRIME minster Gordon Brown last night admitted he loathes absolutely everyone in Britain.

Voters To Choose Weirdos And Criminals

VOTERS are heading to the polls today in the biennial ritual of choosing exactly which oddballs and thieves will run their local council.

Brown Useless At Connect Four, Says Blair

GORDON Brown is one of the worst players of Connect Four ever to hold the office of prime minister, friends of Tony Blair said last night.

Labour U-Turn On Punching Poor People In The Face

LABOUR backbenchers last night convinced the government not to go out and just start punching poor people in the face.

I've Got A New Toothbrush, Declares Upbeat Brown

GORDON Brown yesterday moved to combat Britain's mounting economic woes, announcing he had bought himself a new toothbrush and that it was absolutely terrific.

Bagpuss Clings To Power

BAGPUSS, Britain's leading fat, furry cat-puss, was last night accused of intimidating voters in his bid to remain the nation's favourite TV animal.

Government Seeks Drinking Companion For Alistair Darling

THE government is offering £7 an hour to anyone who will have a weekly pint of beer with Chancellor Alistair Darling.

Brown Stuffs Underpants Ahead Of Sarkozy Visit

THE prime minister has shoved a large pair of socks into his underpants ahead of today's state visit by French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

Transport Minister Crucified

THE secretary of state for transport has been crucified at the side of the M6 by an angry mob driven insane by the deliberate closure of the road and rail network over the Easter weekend.

Budget Live!

ALISTAIR Darling has been described as 'the worst chancellor since the invention of numbers'. The pressure is on, but can he pull a rabbit out of his battered red hat? If so, will he then lose the rabbit? Or will the rabbit be appointed to the board of Northern Rock? And is this so-called rabbit domiciled in this country or not? Ladies and gentleman, all the way from Downing Street in London's fashionable West End,  we give you THE BUDGET!

Budget Boost For Headless Horsemen

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling is today expected to throw a budget lifeline to Britain's hard-pressed headless horsemen.