Spend All The Money On Me, Everyone Tells Osborne

PUBLIC spending should be cut on everything except all the stuff I use, everyone in Britain said today.

Most children do not actually need to go to school, according to experts

As chancellor George Osborne launched a wide ranging consultation on how the government should spend public money, the public said it obviously wanted everything all the time.

Martin Bishop, from York, said: “Times are hard and we cannot possibly afford to go on spending money on everyone. So I’ve drawn up a list. At the moment it’s just me and the guy that fixes my car.”

Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said: “I’ve never understood why there are quite so many schools. Obviously my children need to go to school, but I’m not sure about other people’s, given that they’re so ghastly and pointless.”

Bill McKay, from Peterborough, added: “We should be using public money to cut NHS waiting lists for me.

“We need to make the system more efficient by ensuring I have my own personal doctor who sits around all day waiting for me to get sick and then comes to my house and lives there until I get better.

“And I want a great big fucking boat as well.”

The consultation will also ask which services should be provided by the government and which should be provided by other organisations that have no idea what they’re doing.

Mary Fisher, from Hitchin, said: “I think that the public sector should look after me while everyone else should be looked after by Save the Children and Top Shop.”

Meanwhile some taxpayers have even attempted to bribe the chancellor with cakes and favours. Father of two, Nathan Muir, wrote to Mr Osborne, saying: “I’ll make you a Battenburg. I’ll paint your shed. I’ll come to your house and do delicate things to your scrotum. Unfortunately what I can’t do is austerity. It gives me diarrhea.”

The moves comes a day after prime minister David Cameron warned that Britain was somehow going to get worse.

He said: “Some say it’s impossible to find something in Britain that still works, but I pledge to find that thing and then batter the holy living shit out of it with a spade.”

The government also confirmed it is to copy Canada’s deficit cutting methods, which involved playing Bryan Adams CDs very loudly outside the homes and offices of their creditors until they either cancelled the debt or killed themselves.