Spending Review Welcomed By Fagin

THE government’s spending review was last night welcomed by wily old men who organise gangs of cheeky pick-pockets.

Consider yourself fucked into a cocked hat

The leaders of some of Britain’s most endearing petty criminals said chancellor George Osborne had created the perfect conditions for the large scale recruitment of desperate, starving children with innocent faces and quick, skillful hands.

Brian Fagin, who mentors more than 20 scamps in central London, said: “I loves me boys but they’s only good for a couple of years of top-quality thievin’ before they becomes too big to hide in a wicker basket or scamper between the legs of a dozy copper.

“When times is good the best young lads is awf to school, learnin’ how to work computers and whatnot whilst the likes of me and me good friend Bill Sykes is required to sell extended warranties and payment protection insurance.

“Lord give us me pick of ‘ungry young boys, forced to feed their families by relievin’ the toffs of a shiny pocket watch or a crisp 10 shillin’ note. Mr Osborne has done me a right good turn and no mistake.

“Perhaps I should invite him to me ‘umble abode for a genteel cup of tea and a French fancy and thank ‘im in person for his gracious acts of kindness. Whadaya say boys?”

Mr Fagin was then surrounded by a dozen barefoot lads in battered top hats who grabbed their belt buckles and kicked their legs in the air while they all sang a song about how easy it is to steal iPods.

Meanwhile, as the effects of the spending cuts become clear, Britain’s middle classes last night expressed an interest in buying a fucking great rottweiler.

Julian Cook, an architect from Finsbury Park, said: “I do think the cuts are necessary, but at the same time I’ve got a very nice Bang and Olufsen stereo. To a hungry poor person that will take on the appearance of a delicious roast chicken, fresh from the oven, a bit like when Sylvester the Cat looks at Tweety Pie. And that’s when I deploy this terrifying bastard.”

And as half a million public sector workers were set to lose the argument about the vitally important contribution they make to society, there were warnings of violent protests and mass rioting with millions taking to the streets to demand random amounts of other people’s money.

Tom Logan, professor of politics at Reading University, said: “Luckily the warnings do seem to be coming exclusively from Guardian columnists who are wrong about everything, all the time.”