Wednesday, 12th August 2020

The Mail's next five smears against Keir Starmer

THE Mail exposed Keir Starmer for buying a field for his mother to use as a donkey sanctuary, horrifying voters. What devastating smears are next? 

Starmer was awkward with girls when he was 14

Forensic and confident? Not in June 1977, when Starmer found himself talking to a girl he fancied but found himself unable to think of anything funny or to ask her out without blushing. So much for being a highly successful barrister.

Starmer once got drunk at university

In a shameful incident in 1982, Starmer drank seven pints of Carling Black Label at a freshers’ disco and became excessively talkative. The next day he was completely incapacitated until almost 11am, when he took two Anadin. Is he still an alcoholic drug addict? Undoubtedly.

Starmer has never had a pub fight

Could Starmer batter a pissed bloke hassling him in a kebab shop at 1am? The Labour leader remains tight-lipped about this important issue, suggesting he can land only the lightest of punches and does not carry a ‘chib’ should the situation escalate.

Starmer has given up on several TV box sets

Unbelievably, Starmer has still not finished Mad Men, despite being initially enthusiastic about the series. He has since failed to complete The Walking Dead, Ozark and Tales from the Loop. There is only one way to describe such a person – a quitter.

Starmer is too nice

Starmer remembers his wife’s birthday, is polite to people and cares about human rights. You wouldn’t find him having the courage to walk out on his family to shack up with a PR girl half his age. The spineless wanker.