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RIP Trussonomics September 23rd 2022 – October 17th 2022

A TEARFUL public is paying its respects to the untimely departure of Trussonomics, which died earlier today.

Trussonomics, also known as ‘the mini-budget’ and ‘the fiscal event’, passed away peacefully at the age of 24 days in its central London home at around 11.30am.

It will be lovingly remembered by its mother Liz, father Kwasi, unhinged ideologues at the Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph, and anyone mortgage-free earning over £150,000.

Street sweeper Wayne Hayes said: “It’s dead? You’re joking. Seriously? God, the good ones get taken too soon.

“I’ll never forget how it lifted the whole nation. We were cheering in the streets at policies like abolishing the top rate of tax, unshackling bankers’ bonuses, huge cuts in corporation tax. Finally, something for the little guy.

“Sadly Trussonomics proved too pure for this world. Exposed to the bullying of the Bank of England and its mates in the money markets, it sickened like ET in the film. We shall not see its likes again.”

Laying a rose outside Number 11, Susan Traherne said: “This is the JFK moment for younger generations. People will forever remember where they were when they heard the tragic news that Jeremy Hunt abolished tax-free shopping for non-UK visitors.

“Do we get a bank holiday out of this? To mourn?”

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'It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea': deep profundities to find in TV theme tunes

LYING on the sofa hungover, watching repeats of old sitcoms or childrens’ TV? You’re actually a philosopher like Socrates. Professor Joseph Turner explains why: 

‘Where it all comes from is a mystery, it’s like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea’ – Only Fools and Horses, 1981

Compared to the seasons of the earth and the mighty ocean, man is powerless. We are each of us humbled by forces greater than ourselves whether our planet’s orbit around the sun, the moon’s orbit around us, or the market forces that keep Trotters’ Independent Traders insolvent in Peckham.

‘Can we fix it? Yes, we can’ – Bob the Builder, 1999

When our lives are broken, our phones lost and our trousers fouled after nine pints of Guinness the day before, it’s easy to give up. But Bob doesn’t. He builds a soaring edifice from rubble, using a hammer of willpower, nails of determination, a JCB of resolve and a cement mixer of love.

‘So no-one told you life was going to be this way’ – Friends, 1994

If we had a roadmap of our futures, we’d make different decisions. We might not have a kebab, go on to a club and get kicked out by the doorstaff. Yet life is made vibrant by the thrill of uncertainty. Revel in it. Turn left at the crossroads, or right? Call in sick or don’t call in at all? Watch another episode of Friends or go for a piss?

‘What’s the story in Balamory, wouldn’t you like to know?’ – Balamory, 2002

The human urge to gossip has a powerful hold on our psyches. We feel left out of the loop when something’s going on that we aren’t privy to. We need to accept that, just as we have no idea what happened between leaving the pub and waking up in a strangers’ garden five miles away, we may never truly know.

‘Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got’ – Cheers, 1982

Life can certainly leave you drained. It feels like you’re giving it everything, yet you’re barely standing still on the treadmill of reality. It certainly helps to go where everybody knows your name. Especially if it sells alcohol.

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