Hardcore will never die, say scientists

HARDCORE rave music will outlast everything else in the universe, scientists have proved.

Time altered to suit nation's several remaining milkmen and farmers

TIME has once again been altered because of about a dozen people who still deliver milk or grow things.

Guardian blind date marred by working class person

THE Guardian’s latest Blind Date feature has been ruined by the inclusion of someone who is not a middle class tosser.

Parallel parking and four other shortcuts to a full blown argument

Being in a relationship is a delicate balance. There are good times, bad times and times when you’ll plunge into a blazing row in 30 seconds flat. Like these.

Five batshit things to wake up in the night and worry about

SLEEPING a bit too well at the moment? Here are five mad and pointless questions that are sure to keep you up all night.

Family who watched same-sex couple on Strictly now all gay

A FAMILY of four who watched two women doing a dance together on Strictly Come Dancing have confirmed that they all turned into homosexuals immediately afterwards.

How to be a WhatsApp dickhead

RESEARCH shows that most adults now spend 100 per cent of their day titting about on WhatsApp. Here’s how to make sure you’re a real dick about it.

Man is tier 3 in week but tier 1 on weekends

A MAN has explained that during the week he lives a locked-down tier 3 lifestyle but at the weekends he treats himself to living like a tier 1.

M&S lingerie range implies M&S shoppers have sex

SHOPPERS at M&S are affronted by a new range of lingerie that implies they are the kind of people who have sex.

Whole generation missing out on chance to go on gap year and become pricks

A WHOLE generation of teenagers are being deprived of the chance to spend three months pissing about in Southeast Asia and then base their entire personalities on the experience.

Six things people in their mid-40s can't believe happened ages ago

ARE you in your mid-40s but still a funky 20-something in your head? Here are some things that will plunge you into an existential panic when you realise how long ago they happened.

'What's she been in?' man asks for the duration of whole f**king film

A MAN ruined a film by wondering where he had seen the female lead before for the entirety of its running time.