News

Woman goes temporarily insane after losing phone in handbag for eight seconds

A WOMAN lost her mind after being momentarily unable to find her phone in her handbag, it has emerged.

Child makes sure parents are fully committed to saying 'no' by asking 653 more times

A CHILD unconvinced that her mum and dad mean ‘no’ when they say it is testing her theory by asking the same question several hundred more times.

Genealogy research reveals family have been boring bastards since 14th century

A MAN has researched his family tree for the last seven centuries but is still not related to a single aristocrat, highwayman or war hero.

Man guarantees sex will never happen again by calling it 'totes amazeballs'

A MAN has guaranteed that sex is over forever by describing his latest experience as 'totes amazeballs'.

Racists upset by nasty tolerant people

EVERYONE is being really nasty to racists at the moment and should be more bigoted, racists believe.

'Cocaine's great' says man with no concept of future beyond next three minutes

A MAN who has just snorted a line of cocaine has confirmed that the drug is ‘fucking brilliant’ and that tomorrow can look after itself.

Parents watch three-hour dance show for 98 seconds of their child

A GROUP of parents has each watched a three-hour long dance show in order to witness 98 seconds of their child performing.

Facebook nutter includes workplace in his profile

A FACEBOOK lunatic is happy for everyone to know where he works, it has emerged.  

Non-driver slams passenger door so hard it destroys car

A NON-DRIVER has slammed the passenger door of their friend’s car so hard that the car has been written off.

Cartoon baker sure pie cooling on windowsill will be fine

A CARTOON baker is confident that nothing will happen to the freshly-baked pie he has placed by an open window to cool.

How to exercise when you f**king hate exercise

EXERCISE is hell, but a growing body of medical opinion links not exercising with getting so fat you die.

Magazine in doctor's waiting room speaks of simpler time

A MAGAZINE in a doctor's waiting room has taken its reader back to happier times before Brexit, vape juice and compulsory recycling.