Cyclist shaves three seconds off telling-people-he's-a-cyclist time

A CYCLIST has set a new personal best in how quickly he can tell someone he is into cycling even though they are not interested.

Tattoo artist has moment of self-doubt about making people look shit

A TATTOO artist has had the disturbing thought that every customer looks worse, not better, after visiting him.

Middle class couple upset sending kids to private school has made them 'poor'

A COUPLE who spend thousands of pounds a year on their children’s school fees are sad they are too poor to go skiing this year.

How to get someone buying a house to shut the f**k up

HAVE you got a friend who’s buying a house and won’t stop banging on about it? Here are some tactics to stop them droning on for a bit.

How to make friends without getting pissed together

SINCE the age of 14, the only way to forge new bonds has been to get shitfaced with someone until you’re suddenly best mates. But what if new responsibilities, career choices or health issues make that impossible?

Losing scratchcard stared at for extra 20 seconds just in case

A LOSING Lotto scratchcard has been stared at for an additional 20 seconds on the chance that the buyer mistook £200 for £5,000 at first glance.

Man in flat cap trying to be Peaky Blinders but ending up Last of the Summer Wine

A MAN who thinks his flat cap makes him resemble a stylish 1920s gangster actually resembles an elderly Yorkshireman in a gentle comedy, according to friends.

Hairdresser's opinions increasingly dodgy

A MAN’S haircut ended just moments before he would have been forced to agree with a morally indefensible statement by his hairdresser, he has confirmed.

Mums ever so grateful to Daily Mail for parenting tips

MOTHERS across Britain have thanked the Daily Mail for always pointing out that they are doing every single fucking thing wrong.

Woman incapable of drinking entire mug of tea

A WOMAN who appears normal in every other respect is unable to drink more than two-thirds of a mug of tea.

Bring back National Service, say people who've given it f**k all thought

NATIONAL Service in the armed forces should be reinstated immediately, according to dense people who have not thought it through.

28-year-old woman has hobbies that would make a Suffragette vomit

A WOMAN who spends all of her free time sewing, baking and ballroom dancing would make the Suffragettes turn in their graves.