News

Woman getting tattoo confident she'll regret it her whole life

A WOMAN getting a tattoo is absolutely sure she will regard it with thinly-concealed regret until she is old and grey, she has confirmed.

Man cooks meat at barbecue but does sod all else

A MAN is cooking at a barbecue to avoid doing anything other than stand near hot meat drinking beer.

Ninety percent of socialising just people being loud

MOST social events are just people making loud noises at each other, experts have confirmed.

Man obsessed with threesomes having to make do with onesomes

A MAN who constantly talks about threesomes is only having a series of onesomes, it has emerged.

England fan jailed for writing shit football song

AN ENGLAND fan has been jailed for writing a song called Ball of Victory.

Man thinking about training for marathon drives three minutes to Tesco for pint of milk again

A MAN who claims he is seriously considering a 26 mile run can barely get off his arse to walk to the shops.

Fire pit gains couple twenty middle-class points

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple have leapt up at least two rungs on the social ladder by being the first in their circle of friends to buy a fire pit.

Only tiny number of jammy bastards actually 'basking' in heatwave

THE number of people outside enjoying the hot weather as opposed to slaving in a sweltering workplace is virtually nil.