News

Which subliminal mind-control messages will be on Strictly this year?

AS the new Strictly Come Dancing approaches, which subliminal messages will it contain to keep the population in a state of sheep-like docility? Here they are in full.

Romantic wild swim ends in severe bout of the shits

A COUPLE who thought it would be romantic to swim naked in a tranquil river have ended up with a nasty dose of diarrhoea and some tetanus booster jabs.

Vaper confident that caramel-flavoured nicotine gas could never be detrimental to health

A VAPE user doesn’t believe that inhaling gallons of flavoured nicotine mist might be somehow be unhealthy.

Woman who finishes friends' sentences on f**king thin ice

A WOMAN who finishes the ends of her friends' sentences is on fucking thin ice, it has been confirmed.

Mum fends off robbers by telling them about her blog

A BRAVE mother-of-two fought off handbag thieves by describing her blog about the trials and tribulations of being a mum.

Tickets on the door only, rules Ticketmaster

TICKETMASTER has closed its secondary resales websites and its main website, announcing that from now on the only way to get in is to queue at the door. 

Box of green tea in office kitchen now longest-serving member of staff

A BOX of green tea in an office kitchen has now been there longer than any of the employees.

Telegraph readers demand more stuff about Muslims and a free pair of gardening gloves

READERS of the Telegraph have confirmed they want more anti-Muslim propaganda and a free pair of gardening gloves.