News

32-year-old man still expects praise for parking

A DRIVER of 15 years’ standing still expects his excellent parking skills to be commented on by anyone in the passenger seat.

The top seven places to throw up

YOUR gorge is rising, you’re about to hurl – but where do you head? Check out our select seven superior spots to lose that mess.

Star Wars trailer heralds start of nerd mating season

THE mating season for nerds has begun early with the release of the new Star Wars trailer.

Gran sad about local high street hated guts of every shopkeeper

A PENSIONER who is distressed by the decline of her local high street had a bitter grievance against every shopkeeper when they were still in business.

Woman decides she needs a good faff around before leaving petrol station

A WOMAN who filled her car up with petrol decided to do a variety of chores and enjoy a little rest before driving off, it has emerged.

Nutritionist actually paid money for this bollocks

A NUTRITIONIST who dispenses eating advice that is either extremely obvious or hippy twaddle earns a surprisingly good living from it, it has emerged.

How to be an utter bellend in a white van

IF you’ve got a Ford Transit and a bad attitude, you probably want to assert your authority over other road users. Here’s how to go about it.

Mum using ball pit to inoculate child against all known diseases

A WOMAN decided to make her child play in a ball pit because it was the best place for her to catch a little bit of every disease in the world.

Personalised number plates only 100% effective way to identify twats

A PERSONALISED number plate is the only sure-fire way to identify a twat, experts have confirmed.

People who post 'going' on Facebook events then don't to face prison

PEOPLE who claim they are going to Facebook events then do not are scum who should face stiff penalties, it has been decided.

How to never stick to any of your brilliant new plans

WHETHER you're going on a diet, taking up a new sport or just trying to wake up earlier, here's your foolproof guide to not sticking to any of it.

Woman finds new way to remove joy from life by meal planning

A WOMAN has discovered that planning a week in advance what she will eat for every meal really frees her from any spontaneous happiness.