Guardian reader dad vows to get family through halloumi shortage

A MIDDLE-CLASS man has vowed to do “whatever it takes” to make sure his family survives the current halloumi cheese shortage.

Scientists confirm there is not enough alcohol in the world to make a vegan kebab enjoyable

THERE is not enough alcohol in the world to make a vegan kebab delicious, scientists have confirmed.

Woman who starts sentences 'do you want to' not really asking

A WOMAN who often says 'do you want to' is actually giving you an order, it has been confirmed.

The office worker's guide to having a depressing lunchtime 'picnic'

ARE you going to eat your sad Boots Meal Deal sandwich outside in a pathetic attempt to enjoy the sunshine? Read our guide to pretending it is some kind of picnic.

Everybody quietly taking up smoking again

THE world's ex-smokers have all quietly taken up the habit again because why not, researchers has found.

V-signs added to National Curriculum

THE Department of Education has confirmed that traditional English V-signs will be added to the National Curriculum to preserve our country’s heritage.

Everyone in boring meeting thinking about sex

EVERYBODY in a business meeting was thinking about sex, it has emerged.

Are you a posh person getting pissed?

PEOPLE get drunk every day, but some of them are posh and so their piss-up sessions are thrilling, aspirational and news. But are you one of them?