News

Statins Free Up Time For Golf, Say Docs

STATINS are a wonder drug which allow doctors to spend an extra three afternoons a week on the golf course, the British Medical Association said last night.

Winehouse Joins Ranks Of Great Literary Drug Addicts

SINGER-songwriter Amy Winehouse has taken her place in the pantheon of literature's greatest drug abusers.

Punters Pay Thousands To Throw Bishop From A Plane

CHARITIES are looking forward to a cash bonanza today as people all over Britain pay to throw a bishop out of a plane.

Europeans Have Appalling Taste In Music, Say Experts

PEOPLE from continental Europe have the most dreadful taste in music, experts said last night.

Mars Probe Urges Brown To Quit

NASA's latest Martian probe last night landed safely on the red planet and issued an immediate call for Gordon Brown to resign.

Britain Falls Into A Hedge

EVERYONE in Britain has had to go to hospital in the last 12 months after falling into a hedge on the way home.

Third World To Teach White People How To Walk

AS the price of oil climbs towards $150 a barrel, the Third World has offered to teach Europe and America how to walk.

You There! Rearrange My Caviar! Demands Jumped-Up Bookie

A JUMPED-UP bookie has threatened to boycott British Airways after a stewardess refused to rearrange his caviar into the shape of Charles Bronson in Death Wish II.