Football fans experimenting with different types of suffering

THE start of the new football season has led football fans to try new ways of subjecting themselves to pain and misery.

Supporters have wondered if there are quicker and easier ways of experiencing disappointment and upset as their teams fall short of expectations yet again.

Fan Nathan Muir said: “I’ve tried hitting myself in the bollocks with a sock full of snooker balls. It bloody hurts but the pain wears off a lot quicker than following Coventry City.

“During the season I spend hours sitting on the sofa feeling tense and sometimes crying, so I’ve tried recreating that experience by encouraging my girlfriend to have affairs.

“It’s incredibly upsetting but it’ll save me a fortune on a season ticket.”

Aston Villa supporter Norman Steele said: “For me football’s all about the knot of tension in my stomach as my team is yet again unable to string together more than four successive passes.

“Luckily I’ve found I can recreate that sensation by tossing a coin to determine if I should hit myself on the shin with a hammer.”