Sport

Andy Carroll has forgotten almost all the rules of football

WEST Ham striker Andy Carroll has returned from injury but has been asking teammates elementary questions about football.

Crowd greets record-breaking Rooney goal with open contempt

ENGLAND fans have celebrated Wayne Rooney's record-breaking 50th goal with chants explaining why it isn't a big deal.

Murray dangerously close to not having won Wimbledon

ANDY Murray is now just two early grand slam exits away from not winning Wimbledon in 2013.

Man suddenly seems to be Welsh

A MAN with no obvious signs of Welsh heritage has positioned a Welsh dragon cuddly toy on his desk, it has been noted.

‘Wenger’ becomes a verb

TO go out shopping and return home empty handed is now described as to ‘Wenger’.

Brian Sewell's transfer window round-up

Of all the painters with 'van' in their name, the most gifted is unquestionably Van Morrison.

FA to remove stigma of being offside

FOOTBALLERS are being encouraged to open up about being offside.

John Terry's ego humanely destroyed

JOHN Terry's ego has been hauled out to sea to be broken up.

Non-League football best place to meet women

SINGLE women are flocking to non-League football matches in the hope of hooking up with middle-aged men in cagoules.

Fans extrapolate whole season from first game

FOOTBALL fans have decided exactly how everything in their lives will develop over the next nine months.

Trent Bridge wicket has 'miracle healing properties'

ENGLAND cricket fans spent yesterday evening wandering around Nottingham in a daze.

Football fans celebrate Arsenal Opinion Day

FOOTBALL fans around the country are marking the day of the year when they say that Arsenal ‘must finally deliver’.