Sport

Cyclists told to take proper drugs

CYCLISTS have been told to take proper drugs because that might make their sport vaguely interesting.

Suspiciously talented footballers invade pitch at Villa Park

POLICE are trying to identify 11 men dressed in claret and blue shirts who invaded the pitch at Villa Park and played effective attacking football.

Sporting heroes inspiring children to avoid tax

FIVE-year-olds are playing 'Dodge the Taxman' in the playground in a bid to emulate their sporting role models.

England door still open for WG Grace

ENGLAND cricket management have hinted that WG Grace could be recalled to the international scene.

Mourinho alleges plot to make him look like a paranoid lunatic

JOSE Mourinho has accused the FA, UEFA, FIFA, and the security services of portraying him as some kind of conspiracy theorist.

FIFA task force recommends anti-Qatar

A FIFA task force has recommended finding out what the exact opposite of holding the World Cup in Qatar is and doing that.

Football fans long for good old days when game was more shit

TRUE football fans have demanded a return to the game's golden age when nobody was very good at it.

Spurs seeking players whose names slot into Bob Dylan songs

TOTTENHAM chairman Daniel Levy has launched a worldwide search for any player named Roland Stone, Tom Bourineman or Des O'Lation-Rowe.

Souleymane S signs for Chelsea

THE French sales manager racially abused by Chelsea fans has been signed by the club.

Unpleasant foreigners ruin cricket again

FOREIGNERS have once again ruined cricket with their incessant showing-off, it has been confirmed.

Tyson Fury v Christian Hammer to be fought as a comic book

THE heavyweight fight between Tyson Fury and Christian Hammer will take place in comic book format, it has been announced.

Aston Villa offer to move to wherever new manager already lives

ASTON Villa have confirmed they are not expecting their new manager to move to Birmingham and are happy to go to him.