CYCLISTS have been told to take proper drugs because that might make their sport vaguely interesting.
POLICE are trying to identify 11 men dressed in claret and blue shirts who invaded the pitch at Villa Park and played effective attacking football.
FIVE-year-olds are playing 'Dodge the Taxman' in the playground in a bid to emulate their sporting role models.
ENGLAND cricket management have hinted that WG Grace could be recalled to the international scene.
JOSE Mourinho has accused the FA, UEFA, FIFA, and the security services of portraying him as some kind of conspiracy theorist.
A FIFA task force has recommended finding out what the exact opposite of holding the World Cup in Qatar is and doing that.
TRUE football fans have demanded a return to the game's golden age when nobody was very good at it.
TOTTENHAM chairman Daniel Levy has launched a worldwide search for any player named Roland Stone, Tom Bourineman or Des O'Lation-Rowe.
THE French sales manager racially abused by Chelsea fans has been signed by the club.
FOREIGNERS have once again ruined cricket with their incessant showing-off, it has been confirmed.
THE heavyweight fight between Tyson Fury and Christian Hammer will take place in comic book format, it has been announced.
ASTON Villa have confirmed they are not expecting their new manager to move to Birmingham and are happy to go to him.