Sport

England fan to savour next penalty shootout as if it were a fine wine

AN England fan is planning to savour the team’s next penalty shootout as if it were a fine, vintage wine.

England fans looking forward to tonight's match as much as they would a job interview

ENGLAND fans are anticipating tonight’s match with the same mixture of creeping dread and desperate hope that they would take to a job interview.

This World Cup has nothing on 1954, say football hipsters

FOOTBALL hipsters have insisted the current World Cup is 'vastly inferior' to Switzerland ’'54.

For two weeks a year we pretend to give a f**k about tennis, Englishman explains to foreign colleague

A BRITISH man has patiently explained to an Italian colleague that for a fortnight every year England pretends to like tennis.

England unveils brilliant new strategy of not playing anyone good

GARETH Southgate has revealed his plan to get England to the World Cup final by only playing the weakest opponents.

Diego Maradona's guide to having friends over for 'wine'

HOLA! I’m footballing legend Diego Maradona and here is my guide to having a few friends round for a quiet evening with cheese, pleasant conversation and ‘wine’.

Don't you dare start believing, says Southgate

ENGLAND manager Gareth Southgate has warned the public that on no account are they allowed to begin believing in his team. 

Lineker finally admits he won Golden Boot in 1986

BBC presenter Gary Lineker has finally solved the mystery of who won the Golden Boot at the 1986 World Cup.

How to make the World Cup tolerable if you f**king hate football

ARE you totally uninterested in football but face weeks of men kicking a little a ball around and analysing it? Read our handy tips for making it less tedious.

Come home now, England team told

THE England team have been told to leave the World Cup and return home as heroes before it all turns sour. 

It's not about the war, says man supporting any team against Germany

A MAN watching the World Cup says he has no grudge against Germany despite passionately supporting any side playing against them.

Man leaving office early to watch football that isn't on until 7pm

A MAN has announced he will be leaving the office at lunchtime to watch the game, even though it begins at 7pm.