A BLOODY cyclist has been going too bloody fast, it has been confirmed.
SHOCKED Tour de France competitors have discovered that poor planning has led to a very mountainous route.
ENGLAND players have agreed that today’s third-place play-off should just be given to Belgium if they want it because it is no use to us.
EVERYONE who was supporting England in the World Cup will be expected to continue their love of football when the season starts.
A FOOTBALL novice mum has reassured her heartbroken family that England can pull something out of the bag and win the World Cup.
A MAN who enjoys saying that strictly speaking football's 'home' is in China has been politely asked to shut the fuck up.
AN England fan has strongly rejected an invitation to watch tonight's game in a pub because he can only face it alone.
SCOTLAND is suddenly teeming with Croatia fans, it has been confirmed.
ENGLAND fans have reassured the World Cup squad that they will still be just as proud if they win or lose as long as they try their hardest.
A DAD has already had a full can of lager before anyone got up in anticipation of this afternoon’s England game, he has admitted.
WITH a chance of going through to the World Cup final at stake, England vs. Sweden is going to be somewhat tense. So how will you be losing your shit over the outcome?
AN England fan is planning to savour the team’s next penalty shootout as if it were a fine, vintage wine.
- England fans looking forward to tonight's match as much as they would a job interview
- This World Cup has nothing on 1954, say football hipsters
- For two weeks a year we pretend to give a f**k about tennis, Englishman explains to foreign colleague
- England unveils brilliant new strategy of not playing anyone good