Brisk Start For

FINANCE giants the You Corporation have reported brisk trading at a new business offering guaranteed cash in exchange for unwanted football teams.

John Terry Had Sex With An Octopus

JOHN Terry's future as England captain was on a knife-edge last night after it emerged he had sex with a 12-foot octopus.

Gerrard Hails Progress As House Burns To Ground

STEVEN Gerrard feels his living situation is heading in the right direction after his house finally stopped burning to the ground.

Brazil Has Better Class Of Rubbish Heap Death Squad, Says Homesick Robinho

THE ruthless death squads that roam the rubbish heaps of Manchester are not as good as the ones in Brazil, Man City striker Robinho said last night.

Tevez Rewarded With Entire Deer Carcass

CARLOS Tevez was rewarded for his two goals against Manchester United last night with an entire deer carcass all to himself.

Ferguson In Furious Row With Own Reflection

SIR ALEX Ferguson has ordered all the mirrors to be removed from Old Trafford following a blazing row with his own reflection.

Campbell Moves To Arsenal For The Peace And Quiet

SOL Campbell has returned to Arsenal for a bit of peace and quiet, his agent said last night.

Liverpool Squad Down To Four Players

RAFAEL Benitez last night said he had cleared out the dead wood from the Liverpool squad, leaving him with the four players he really needs.


Sky Sports Promises Decade Of Relentlessly Overhyped Bullshit

BROADCASTER Sky TV last night outlined its plans to be the number one provider of inexplicable sporting hyperbole well into the next decade.

Rugby Fabulous

AN emotional rugby last night declared itself fabulous.

England Unveils Cities That Will Not Be Hosting The World Cup

FOOTBALL bosses have unveiled the 12 English cities that have absolutely no chance of hosting the World Cup in 2018.

Woods Caddie Denies Clubs Smelled Of Skank

TIGER Woods' caddie has dismissed claims the golfer hid evidence of his numerous affairs inside his golf bag.