England World Cup Bid Endangered By England

ENGLAND'S 2018 World Cup bid could be undermined by the hellish, unremitting dreadfulness of everything in the country, it was claimed last night.

Wigan Chairman Installs Shark Tank

THE chairman of Wigan Athletic is to install a tank full of sharks under the home dressing room in a bid to sharpen his squad's competitive instincts.

Irish Poets To Immortalise World Cup Betrayal

AS a million emerald tears washed down the streets of Dublin last night, Ireland's poets set to work immortalising their nation's latest betrayal.

England To Uninvent Cricket

ENGLISH cricket's governing body last night unveiled radical plans to uninvent the game.

Ferguson To Write Offensive Letters To Referees

SIR Alex Ferguson has been handed a four-match touchline ban, forcing him to abuse referees by post.

Robinho Requests Transfer As Drugs Wear Off

MANCHESTER City striker Robinho has requested a transfer after missing his scheduled dose of psychotropic drugs.

Haye Depresses Valuev Into Submission

DAVID Haye clinched the world heavyweight title against Russian Nikolay Valuev by discussing the recent collapse of the UK economy until his opponent conceded defeat.

Newcastle To Rename Stadium Every 30 Seconds

NEWCASTLE United are to change the name of their historic St James's Park Stadium every 30 seconds, in accordance with the highest bidder.

Strauss 'Relaxed, Focused And Ready For Annihilation'

ENGLAND cricket captain Andrew Strauss arrived in South Africa yesterday insisting he was 'absolutely raring' to have his arse handed to him on a plate.

Agassi Sold Hair To Buy Drugs

TENNIS star Andre Agassi sold his entire head of hair to buy crystal meth, it emerged last night.

Man Offers Hand Job For Grimsby-Port Vale Ticket

A STOKE man last night defended his offer of vigorous masturbation in exchange for tickets to see Grimsby versus Port Vale.

Ferguson Calls R-Word A C-Word

SIR Alex Ferguson has avoided fresh charges from the FA by euphemistically abusing the referee using figures of speech and a hand puppet.