CHELSEA owner Roman Abramovich may be forced to buy other types of human being following the club's 18 month transfer ban.
ENGLAND'S football managers spent yesterday rifling through each other's bin bags in the hope of finding something that was not covered in rancid milk and tea leaves.
AN inquiry has been launched after the world record breaking sprinter Usain Bolt was spotted in a 135 year-old photograph.
MILLIONS of Englishmen have begun their annual ritual of convincing themselves that football is an essential part of who they are.
MEN have won the right to watch two women have a sweaty fight as long as one of them gets to listen to her national anthem at the end.
AUSTRALIA has offered to bowl underarm for the final Ashes test so they do not have to sit about for two days, waiting to catch their return flight to Sydney.
THE Vieira, a species of footballer not seen on these shores for many years, is coming back to its former ground to die.
MICHAEL Schumacher's return to Formula One could re-establish the sport's reputation as a seemingly unending spectacle of utter dreariness, it was claimed last night.
THE British cyclist who crossed the line first in Paris yesterday did not win the Tour de France, experts stressed last night.
JOHN Terry has pledged his future to Chelsea, denting Manchester City's hopes of fielding a team comprised entirely of unbearable dicks.