Abramovich Forced To Buy Other Types Of Human

CHELSEA owner Roman Abramovich may be forced to buy other types of human being following the club's 18 month transfer ban.

Football Clubs Swap Rubbish Bins

ENGLAND'S football managers spent yesterday rifling through each other's bin bags in the hope of finding something that was not covered in rancid milk and tea leaves.

England Slightly Less Appalling Than Australia

A THRILLING summer of terrible cricket reached its climax yesterday as England regained the Ashes by being marginally less dreadful than Australia.

Athlete To Be Checked For Balls

CASTER Semenya, the big, strong athlete, will today be checked for a pair of balls.

Usain Bolt Spotted In Victorian Photograph

AN inquiry has been launched after the world record breaking sprinter Usain Bolt was spotted in a 135 year-old photograph.

Millions Pretend Football Means Something

MILLIONS of Englishmen have begun their annual ritual of convincing themselves that football is an essential part of who they are.

Men Win Right To Watch Women Have A Sweaty Fight

MEN have won the right to watch two women have a sweaty fight as long as one of them gets to listen to her national anthem at the end.

Australia Offers To Bowl Underarm

AUSTRALIA has offered to bowl underarm for the final Ashes test so they do not have to sit about for two days, waiting to catch their return flight to Sydney.

Vieira Comes Home To Die

THE Vieira, a species of footballer not seen on these shores for many years, is coming back to its former ground to die.

Can Schumacher Restore F1's Glory Days Of Utter Tedium?

MICHAEL Schumacher's return to Formula One could re-establish the sport's reputation as a seemingly unending spectacle of utter dreariness, it was claimed last night.

British Guy Did Not Win Tour De France

THE British cyclist who crossed the line first in Paris yesterday did not win the Tour de France, experts stressed last night.

Terry Thwarts Plan To Build Team Of Dicks

JOHN Terry has pledged his future to Chelsea, denting Manchester City's hopes of fielding a team comprised entirely of unbearable dicks.