Benitez Clears Desk Following Message Of Support

LIVERPOOL manager Rafael Benitez was last night clearing the family photographs from his desk after the club's owners gave him their full support.

Notts County Backed By Creepy Conglomorate All Along

NOTTS County have admitted their mystery backer has been old man Qadbak Investments this whole time.

Record Numbers Escape From Newcastle

THE Great North Run enjoyed its most successful year so far yesterday as record numbers of competitors managed to escape from Tyneside.

Kenyon Named As Successor To Lord Vader

CHELSEA chief executive Peter Kenyon is to succeed Darth Vader when the Imperial enforcer steps down from his post next month.

Adebayor To Thrust Genitals In Face Of Every Arsenal Fan

EMMANUEL Adebayor has embarked on a cross-country quest to stick his business in the face of every Arsenal fan in the UK.

Shock Ads To Show Dangers Of Texting While Competing In Track And Field Events

THE potentially fatal consequences of texting while competing in track and field events will be highlighted in a series of shocking adverts.

England Fans Begin Search For Places To Fight And Urinate

ENGLISH football fans were scouring South African guide books last night as the search began for the best places to fight and piss.

Slovenian Banned For Life After Being Stabbed By Wayne Rooney

SLOVENIA'S Bostjan Cesar has been banned for life from football after allowing himself to be stabbed by Wayne Rooney.

Abramovich Forced To Buy Other Types Of Human

CHELSEA owner Roman Abramovich may be forced to buy other types of human being following the club's 18 month transfer ban.

Football Clubs Swap Rubbish Bins

ENGLAND'S football managers spent yesterday rifling through each other's bin bags in the hope of finding something that was not covered in rancid milk and tea leaves.

England Slightly Less Appalling Than Australia

A THRILLING summer of terrible cricket reached its climax yesterday as England regained the Ashes by being marginally less dreadful than Australia.

Athlete To Be Checked For Balls

CASTER Semenya, the big, strong athlete, will today be checked for a pair of balls.