WIMBLEDON has been defiled, perhaps forever, by the vulgar skill and strength of some dreadful American who probably eats with his hands.
WIMBLEDON fans rejoiced as Andrew Murray's opponent was attacked by a brown bear, it has emerged.
PEP Guardiola is to guest-edit football magazine Four Four Two and change its name to One Ten, it has emerged.
THE other Premier League teams are hatching a plot to bully newcomers Huddersfield throughout next season.
EVERYTHING is wonderful at Arsenal and nothing whatsoever needs to change, fans have confirmed.
JOHN Terry's Chelsea farewell was a bit too much pomp and ceremony, according to North Korea.
WAYNE Rooney has pledged to remain at Old Trafford next season, completely immobile and immortalised in brass.
ATHLETES have rejected a crackdown on drug use, admitting it is only the drugs that make running a really long way halfway tolerable.
FINANCIAL double-dealing may be behind the continent-conquering success of Newcastle and West Ham, observers believe.
THE prime minister has announced that the FA Cup final will be played next weekend in the national interest.
ARSENAL has booked its place in the FA Cup final, setting its fans up for an unprecedented level of soul destruction.
A DISGRUNTLED Arsenal fan is tired of bringing his ‘Wenger Out’ banner to games that the Gunners win.