WAYNE Rooney has pledged to remain at Old Trafford next season, completely immobile and immortalised in brass.
ATHLETES have rejected a crackdown on drug use, admitting it is only the drugs that make running a really long way halfway tolerable.
FINANCIAL double-dealing may be behind the continent-conquering success of Newcastle and West Ham, observers believe.
THE prime minister has announced that the FA Cup final will be played next weekend in the national interest.
ARSENAL has booked its place in the FA Cup final, setting its fans up for an unprecedented level of soul destruction.
A DISGRUNTLED Arsenal fan is tired of bringing his ‘Wenger Out’ banner to games that the Gunners win.
THE nation’s bookmakers have told once-a-year punters to refrain from placing their pathetic Grand National bets this year.
MANCHESTER United remain unchallenged as the jammiest gits in the Premier League, it has emerged.
A MAN at Cheltenham knowledgeably discussing form and accumulators has already lost several hundred pounds, he has confirmed.
AN ARSENAL fan who will never forget what Arsene Wenger achieved for the club has asked him to please fuck off, sir.
ITV is to replace Champions League matches with footage of laughing people who are illegally streaming the matches without signing up for BT sports.
DAVID Haye and Tony Bellew, both fully grown adults, are unable to settle an argument about who is toughest without resorting to violence.