Sport

Theresa May calls snap FA Cup Final

THE prime minister has announced that the FA Cup final will be played next weekend in the national interest.

Arsenal fans remain on course for record-breaking levels of shattering disappointment

ARSENAL has booked its place in the FA Cup final, setting its fans up for an unprecedented level of soul destruction.

Fan with ‘Wenger Out’ banner sick of Arsenal winning

A DISGRUNTLED Arsenal fan is tired of bringing his ‘Wenger Out’ banner to games that the Gunners win.

Bookies don’t want your shitty £1 bet

THE nation’s bookmakers have told once-a-year punters to refrain from placing their pathetic Grand National bets this year.

Manchester United still the spawniest bastards around

MANCHESTER United remain unchallenged as the jammiest gits in the Premier League, it has emerged.

Man enjoys annual day of struggling to understand betting

A MAN at Cheltenham knowledgeably discussing form and accumulators has already lost several hundred pounds, he has confirmed.

Arsenal fan respectfully asks Wenger to f**k off

AN ARSENAL fan who will never forget what Arsene Wenger achieved for the club has asked him to please fuck off, sir.

ITV to replace Champions League with footage of people laughing as they illegally stream matches

ITV is to replace Champions League matches with footage of laughing people who are illegally streaming the matches without signing up for BT sports.

Two grown men unable to settle differences without punching

DAVID Haye and Tony Bellew, both fully grown adults, are unable to settle an argument about who is toughest without resorting to violence.

Manchester United forgot to take EFL trophy home

MANCHESTER United’s players have realised they forgot to take the EFL trophy home from Wembley, even though it is so important to them.

Leicester City owners fire Ranieri, fans and surrounding conurbation

LEICESTER City’s owners have sacked title-winning manager Claudio Ranieri, the fans of the club and the city of Leicester itself.

Rugby under increasing pressure to come up with set of rules

RUGBY Union chiefs have been forced to admit the sport is a bloodletting free-for-all that may need some rules.