Owen Breaks Wrist During Contract Signing

MICHAEL Owen has begun his Manchester United career by breaking his wrist in three places while attempting to sign his new contract.

Federer Becomes Most Boring Man Ever

ROGER Federer tore up the record books predictably last night following an utterly tedious victory over some American who's done nothing but play tennis since he was seven.

Wimbledon Ditches Rules In Bid To Keep Munters Off Centre Court

THE All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time.

Michael Vaughan Retires Again

CRICKET fans were shocked last night after Michael Vaughan announced his retirement for what they were sure was at least the fourth time.

Newcastle Alienate Remaining Fans With New Away Kit

THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.

Hull To Buy Owen For Spares

Hull City are to buy Michael Owen with a view to breaking the player down for parts.

Flintoff Secures Ashes Place By Scoring Twelve Runs

ANDREW Flintoff's Ashes bid received a boost yesterday after scoring 12 runs against a side throwing the ball quite fast.

Murray Cruises To Historic, Charmless Victory

ANDY Murray last night set his sights on a bitter, foul-mouthed victory at Wimbledon after cruising to a charm-free win at Queens.

Dutch to invent word for 'cricket'

AFTER their surprise victory against England, the Dutch have admitted they had better invent a word for cricket if they are going to play it for a second time.

Ballack To Hurl Venom At Referees For Another Year

CHELSEA striker Michael Ballack has signed a one-year extension to his abuse-hurling contract, the club has confirmed.

Dejected Man Utd Fans Begin Long Journey Back To Surrey

THOUSANDS of despondent Manchester United supporters returned to the Home Counties last night after the club's Champions League final defeat in Rome.

Leeds, Doctors Warn Newcastle

DOCTORS last night warned Newcastle United supporters they were now vulnerable to a nasty case of Leeds.