British Guy Did Not Win Tour De France

THE British cyclist who crossed the line first in Paris yesterday did not win the Tour de France, experts stressed last night.

Terry Thwarts Plan To Build Team Of Dicks

JOHN Terry has pledged his future to Chelsea, denting Manchester City's hopes of fielding a team comprised entirely of unbearable dicks.

Chelsea Report City For Acting Like Chelsea

CHELSEA have reported Manchester City to the FA for behaving exactly the same way they have behaved for years.

Arsenal Fans Hold Prayer Vigil For Adebayor Move

ARSENAL fans staged a candlelight vigil at the Emirates stadium last night praying that Manchester City's bid for Emmanuel Adebayor is successful.

Test Matches Stupid

TEST match cricket was declared stupid last night after England drew with Australia despite being much, much worse at cricket than them.

Is Formula One The New 'Odessa'?

FORMULA One has taken on the role and responsibilities of 'Odessa', the support network for fugitive Nazis, it was claimed last night.

Owen Breaks Wrist During Contract Signing

MICHAEL Owen has begun his Manchester United career by breaking his wrist in three places while attempting to sign his new contract.

Federer Becomes Most Boring Man Ever

ROGER Federer tore up the record books predictably last night following an utterly tedious victory over some American who's done nothing but play tennis since he was seven.

Wimbledon Ditches Rules In Bid To Keep Munters Off Centre Court

THE All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time.

Michael Vaughan Retires Again

CRICKET fans were shocked last night after Michael Vaughan announced his retirement for what they were sure was at least the fourth time.

Newcastle Alienate Remaining Fans With New Away Kit

THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.

Hull To Buy Owen For Spares

Hull City are to buy Michael Owen with a view to breaking the player down for parts.