Murray Cruises To Historic, Charmless Victory

ANDY Murray last night set his sights on a bitter, foul-mouthed victory at Wimbledon after cruising to a charm-free win at Queens.

Dutch to invent word for 'cricket'

AFTER their surprise victory against England, the Dutch have admitted they had better invent a word for cricket if they are going to play it for a second time.

Ballack To Hurl Venom At Referees For Another Year

CHELSEA striker Michael Ballack has signed a one-year extension to his abuse-hurling contract, the club has confirmed.

Dejected Man Utd Fans Begin Long Journey Back To Surrey

THOUSANDS of despondent Manchester United supporters returned to the Home Counties last night after the club's Champions League final defeat in Rome.

Leeds, Doctors Warn Newcastle

DOCTORS last night warned Newcastle United supporters they were now vulnerable to a nasty case of Leeds.

Benitez Handed £20m To Piss Straight Up A Wall

LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez was last night handed a £20m transfer budget to spend on one big-name signing or shit away on a collection of abject losers that you've never heard of.

1,000 Year Reich Remains On Track, Says Ferguson

SIR Alex Ferguson's plan to reign over English football for one thousand terrible years continues apace as Manchester United won their 18th league title.

Darren Fletcher Accepts Actual Rules Of Football

AS his one match European ban was upheld, Darren Fletcher has accepted that the laws of football apply to him.

Stop Keeping Score, Burnham Tells Premier League

PREMIER League clubs should stop keeping score so that everyone can just enjoy a nice game of football, the culture secretary Andy Burnham said today.

Flintoff To Miss Ashes Hiding

INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.

Ipswich To Keep Large Net Handy

IPSWICH Town yesterday unveiled Roy Keane as their new manager but stressed they would be keeping a large butterfly net to hand, just in case.

Newcastle Fans To Pretend Championship Is Premier League

NEWCASTLE United fans brushed off yesterday's defeat by Spurs insisting they have a fool-proof scheme to guarantee the club a place in next season's top flight.