Flintoff To Miss Ashes Hiding

INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.

Ipswich To Keep Large Net Handy

IPSWICH Town yesterday unveiled Roy Keane as their new manager but stressed they would be keeping a large butterfly net to hand, just in case.

Newcastle Fans To Pretend Championship Is Premier League

NEWCASTLE United fans brushed off yesterday's defeat by Spurs insisting they have a fool-proof scheme to guarantee the club a place in next season's top flight.

Macheda Could Be 'First Class, Money-Grabbing Arsehole'

FEDERICO Macheda has the potential to become one of the greediest tosspots in the Premier League, his agent said last night.

Ferguson Reveals Ending To 'The Wire'

SIR Alex Ferguson last night continued his policy of ruining the ends of things by revealing the conclusion to hit US drama series The Wire.

Capello Forced To Choose Between Dreadful And Laughable

ENGLAND boss Fabio Capello has admitted he faced a tough choice between dreadful and laughable to partner Wayne Rooney in tonight's Word Cup qualifier against Ukraine

Newcastle Opt For Magic Beans

NEWCASTLE United today pinned their hopes on a bag of magic beans bought on the way to market.

A Cinderella Story Of Millionaires Supported By Billionaires Supported By Banks

THE Brawn racing team completed a Cinderella story yesterday after clinching the opening grand prix of the season with nothing more than millions and millions of pounds.

Benitez Signs On For Five More Years Of Buck-Passing

RAFAEL Benitez has signed a new contract which will see him blame other people for Liverpool's failures until 2014.

It Ended 4-1, Man Utd Tells Fans

MANCHESTER United used text messages to inform fleeing supporters of Saturday's defeat by Liverpool as thousands left Old Trafford early and caught the train back to London.

Tea Lady Makes Villa Debut

ASTON Villa boss Martin O'Neill last night defended fielding a 69 year-old tea lady in central defence after his side were dumped out of the Uefa cup.

OED Accepts Ronaldo As Synonym For ‘despicable Shit’

THE editors of the Oxford English Dictionary have agreed to include the word 'ronaldo' as a synonym for 'despicable', 'dishonest' and 'shitbag'.