INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.
IPSWICH Town yesterday unveiled Roy Keane as their new manager but stressed they would be keeping a large butterfly net to hand, just in case.
NEWCASTLE United fans brushed off yesterday's defeat by Spurs insisting they have a fool-proof scheme to guarantee the club a place in next season's top flight.
FEDERICO Macheda has the potential to become one of the greediest tosspots in the Premier League, his agent said last night.
SIR Alex Ferguson last night continued his policy of ruining the ends of things by revealing the conclusion to hit US drama series The Wire.
ENGLAND boss Fabio Capello has admitted he faced a tough choice between dreadful and laughable to partner Wayne Rooney in tonight's Word Cup qualifier against Ukraine
NEWCASTLE United today pinned their hopes on a bag of magic beans bought on the way to market.
THE Brawn racing team completed a Cinderella story yesterday after clinching the opening grand prix of the season with nothing more than millions and millions of pounds.
RAFAEL Benitez has signed a new contract which will see him blame other people for Liverpool's failures until 2014.
MANCHESTER United used text messages to inform fleeing supporters of Saturday's defeat by Liverpool as thousands left Old Trafford early and caught the train back to London.
ASTON Villa boss Martin O'Neill last night defended fielding a 69 year-old tea lady in central defence after his side were dumped out of the Uefa cup.
THE editors of the Oxford English Dictionary have agreed to include the word 'ronaldo' as a synonym for 'despicable', 'dishonest' and 'shitbag'.