Sport

Millionaire footballers remain terribly working class

PREMIER league footballers have remained utterly ghastly despite their multi-million pound salaries, according to new research.

Keane Resigns To Spend More Time With The Voices

ROY Keane resigned as manager of Sunderland yesterday to spend more time with the 26 voices that echo around the inside of his head.

Hamilton wins World Car Pointing Championship

LEWIS Hamilton last night became the youngest ever winner of the World Car Pointing Championship.

Running Stupid

RUNNING for any distance greater than five metres is stupid, it was confirmed last night.

Newcastle Fans Call For The Reanimation Of Jackie Milburn

NEWCASTLE United fans last night warned the club's potential buyers they must invest heavily in the reanimation of 1950s hero Jackie Milburn.

Walcott's Enemies Strike Gold

THE enemies of Theo Walcott struck gold last night as the England hero fired in a hat-trick against Croatia.

Everyone Really Meant To Watch Paralympics

EVERYONE in Britain really meant to watch the Paralympics this weekend but ended up missing it for some reason.

Heroes Welcomed Home By Cheering Ad Agencies

BRITAIN'S Olympic superstars were welcomed back to Heathrow yesterday by thousands of ecstatic advertising executives. 

Phelps Takes Enormous Dump

GOLD medal swimming sensation Michael Phelps last night celebrated his Olympic success with a monumental visit to the lavatory.

Britain!

EVERYONE who is not British must be filled to the brim with self-loathing, it was confirmed last night.

14 Year-Old Diver Gets Synchronised Kicking

BRITAIN'S teenage diver Tom Daley was on the business end of a synchronised kicking last night after a spat with his team-mate.

Most Athletes Likely To Survive Olympics, Pledges China

LESS than 50% of the athletes competing in this year's Olympic games will be killed by airborne poisons, the Chinese government said last night.