England Beach Tour Interrupted By Cricket

SIXTEEN UK tourists on a Carribbean beach holiday have had their trip thrown into disarray after being forced to play cricket matches.

Man City To Buy More Or Less Everyone

MANCHESTER City was last night lining up last minute bids for just about everyone as the club looked to secure a place in the preliminary round of next year's Uefa Cup.

Kinnear Accidentally Calls Team 'Shitcastle'

NEWCASTLE United boss Joe Kinnear was left red-faced yesterday after accidentally calling his team 'Shitcastle'.  

Kaka Deal Off After Agent Finally Says The Word 'City'

BRAZILIAN superstar Kaká has called off a move to Manchester after his agent finally said the word 'city'.

Hi Wheel Love Heet Heef We Beat Them, Says Benitez

LIVERPOOL manager Rafa Benitez has poured scorn on Sir Alex Fergsuson insisting he 'wheel love heet' if his side beats Man United to the Premier League title.

Someone Apparently Taking Portsmouth Seriously

THE death threats to Jermain Defoe suggest someone may actually be taking Portsmouth seriously, experts said last night.

Millionaire footballers remain terribly working class

PREMIER league footballers have remained utterly ghastly despite their multi-million pound salaries, according to new research.

Keane Resigns To Spend More Time With The Voices

ROY Keane resigned as manager of Sunderland yesterday to spend more time with the 26 voices that echo around the inside of his head.

Hamilton wins World Car Pointing Championship

LEWIS Hamilton last night became the youngest ever winner of the World Car Pointing Championship.

Running Stupid

RUNNING for any distance greater than five metres is stupid, it was confirmed last night.

Newcastle Fans Call For The Reanimation Of Jackie Milburn

NEWCASTLE United fans last night warned the club's potential buyers they must invest heavily in the reanimation of 1950s hero Jackie Milburn.

Walcott's Enemies Strike Gold

THE enemies of Theo Walcott struck gold last night as the England hero fired in a hat-trick against Croatia.