GOLD medal swimming sensation Michael Phelps last night celebrated his Olympic success with a monumental visit to the lavatory.
EVERYONE who is not British must be filled to the brim with self-loathing, it was confirmed last night.
BRITAIN'S teenage diver Tom Daley was on the business end of a synchronised kicking last night after a spat with his team-mate.
LESS than 50% of the athletes competing in this year's Olympic games will be killed by airborne poisons, the Chinese government said last night.
CARRYING the Olympian hopes of a proud nation, they are the six Great Britons tipped to just miss out on the medals.
CHELSEA coach Luiz Felipe Scolari believes his team can win all three domestic trophies, the Champions League, University Challenge and Masterchef.
ANIMAL was yesterday hailed as the fastest Muppet alive after shattering the 100m world record.
FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.
EVERYONE in Britain is now a fucking tennis expert who could easily replace Dan Maskell, or whoever it is that does the commentary these days.
THE violence at the Uefa Cup final began much earlier than was thought, probably in the late 17th century, officials said last night.
A GANG of upset tinks has stolen Martin Brundle’s car after the Formula One commentator called them ‘pikeys’ on national television.
DUTCH striker Ruud van Nisterlooy is to spend the rest of Euro 2008 standing on the opposition goal-line.