PREMIER league footballers have remained utterly ghastly despite their multi-million pound salaries, according to new research.
ROY Keane resigned as manager of Sunderland yesterday to spend more time with the 26 voices that echo around the inside of his head.
LEWIS Hamilton last night became the youngest ever winner of the World Car Pointing Championship.
RUNNING for any distance greater than five metres is stupid, it was confirmed last night.
NEWCASTLE United fans last night warned the club's potential buyers they must invest heavily in the reanimation of 1950s hero Jackie Milburn.
THE enemies of Theo Walcott struck gold last night as the England hero fired in a hat-trick against Croatia.
EVERYONE in Britain really meant to watch the Paralympics this weekend but ended up missing it for some reason.
BRITAIN'S Olympic superstars were welcomed back to Heathrow yesterday by thousands of ecstatic advertising executives.
GOLD medal swimming sensation Michael Phelps last night celebrated his Olympic success with a monumental visit to the lavatory.
EVERYONE who is not British must be filled to the brim with self-loathing, it was confirmed last night.
BRITAIN'S teenage diver Tom Daley was on the business end of a synchronised kicking last night after a spat with his team-mate.
LESS than 50% of the athletes competing in this year's Olympic games will be killed by airborne poisons, the Chinese government said last night.