Sport

Phelps Takes Enormous Dump

GOLD medal swimming sensation Michael Phelps last night celebrated his Olympic success with a monumental visit to the lavatory.

Britain!

EVERYONE who is not British must be filled to the brim with self-loathing, it was confirmed last night.

14 Year-Old Diver Gets Synchronised Kicking

BRITAIN'S teenage diver Tom Daley was on the business end of a synchronised kicking last night after a spat with his team-mate.

Most Athletes Likely To Survive Olympics, Pledges China

LESS than 50% of the athletes competing in this year's Olympic games will be killed by airborne poisons, the Chinese government said last night.

Beijing 2008: The Six Britons Who Will Come Fourth

CARRYING the Olympian hopes of a proud nation, they are the six Great Britons tipped to just miss out on the medals.

We Can Win Masterchef And University Challenge, Says Scolari

CHELSEA coach Luiz Felipe Scolari believes his team can win all three domestic trophies, the Champions League, University Challenge and Masterchef.

Animal Shatters 100m World Record

ANIMAL was yesterday hailed as the fastest Muppet alive after shattering the 100m world record.

Ronaldo To Star In Remake Of 'Roots'

FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.

Everyone Now A F*cking Tennis Expert

EVERYONE in Britain is now a fucking tennis expert who could easily replace Dan Maskell, or whoever it is that does the commentary these days.

Rangers Violence Began In Late 17th Century, Says Uefa

THE violence at the Uefa Cup final began much earlier than was thought, probably in the late 17th century, officials said last night.

Offended Pikeys Steal Brundle’s Car

A GANG of upset tinks has stolen Martin Brundle’s car after the Formula One commentator called them ‘pikeys’ on national television.

Van Nistelrooy To Spend Euro 2008 On Goal-Line

DUTCH striker Ruud van Nisterlooy is to spend the rest of Euro 2008 standing on the opposition goal-line.