Sport

Everyone Now A F*cking Tennis Expert

EVERYONE in Britain is now a fucking tennis expert who could easily replace Dan Maskell, or whoever it is that does the commentary these days.

Rangers Violence Began In Late 17th Century, Says Uefa

THE violence at the Uefa Cup final began much earlier than was thought, probably in the late 17th century, officials said last night.

Offended Pikeys Steal Brundle’s Car

A GANG of upset tinks has stolen Martin Brundle’s car after the Formula One commentator called them ‘pikeys’ on national television.

Van Nistelrooy To Spend Euro 2008 On Goal-Line

DUTCH striker Ruud van Nisterlooy is to spend the rest of Euro 2008 standing on the opposition goal-line.

Mosley To Mount A Donkey Before French Grand Prix

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley is to mount a donkey before the French Grand Prix later this month.

I'd Rather Sell Ronaldo To Gypsies, Says Fergie

SIR Alex Ferguson has dismissed claims Cristiano Ronaldo is heading for Real Madrid, insisting he would rather sell the winger to gypsies or travelling circus folk.

Gemma Atkinson's Chimp To Fight New Madonna Baby

HOLLYOAKS star Gemma Atkinson is to pit her new chimpanzee against Madonna's Malawian baby in the latest round of Celebrity Toddler Fight Club: Adopted!

Russia Completes Potato Harvest In Time For Champions League Final

THE spring potato crop has been lifted and the pitch in Moscow's Luzhniki Stadium is now ready for the Champions League final, officials have confirmed.

Rangers Now The England Of Scotland

RANGERS are the England of Scotland, it was claimed last night.

Millionaires Win Stuff

SOME millionaires won some stuff yesterday while some other millionaires did not.

Capello Picks Gerrard To Miss Crucial World Cup Penalty

FABIO Capello has picked Steven Gerrard as the man who will miss England's crucial World Cup semi-final penalty in 2010.

Olympic Budget Did Not Include £8 Billion For PR Bullshit

THE original budget for the London Olympics failed to include more than £8 billion for pointless leaflets that will go straight in the bin, MPs said last night.