Sport

Capello Picks Gerrard To Miss Crucial World Cup Penalty

FABIO Capello has picked Steven Gerrard as the man who will miss England's crucial World Cup semi-final penalty in 2010.

Olympic Budget Did Not Include £8 Billion For PR Bullshit

THE original budget for the London Olympics failed to include more than £8 billion for pointless leaflets that will go straight in the bin, MPs said last night.

Wenger Refuses To Brand Referees A Bunch Of Man Utd Loving Bastards

ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger last night refused to condemn referees as a collection of bastards who would do anything to help Manchester United win the league.

English Cricket Board Orders India Back To The Fields

REBEL Indian cricket promoters were last night ordered to return to their labours in the tea plantations, or feel the harsh crack of English discipline.

Britain Strikes Gold In Sport No-One Watches

BRITAIN was riding the crest of a wave of victory last night after repeatedly striking gold in one of those sports that nobody ever watches.

'Entente Amicale' Called Off After Bastard French Win In Paris

PRESIDENT Nicolas Sarkozy was thrown out of Britain last night and told to stick his Anglo-French brotherhood up his arse, after England lost 1-0 to France.

Formula One To Feature An Elephant On A Skateboard

MOTORSPORT bosses have unveiled plans to overhaul Formula One with exciting new features, including hand to hand combat and an elephant on a skateboard.

England To Be Excused From Sports

ENGLAND has asked to be excused from sports for the rest of the year after producing a note from its mum.

Keegan And Newcastle Pledge To Drive Off A Cliff Together

KEVIN  Keegan and Newcastle have pledged to drive off a cliff together in a final act of sisterhood, rather than face relegation from the premier league.

Chinese Food 'Insufficiently Cheese-Ridden', Say Americans

US athletes will take their own food to the Beijing Olympics after discovering the Chinese diet is alarmingly cheese-free.

Capello Tells England Players To Stop Being So Bad At Football

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello has urged his squad to be much better at playing football, ahead of tonight's friendly against Switzerland.

'Oi, Manuel! A Bit Less Racism And A Bit More Service, If You Don't Mind'

BRITAIN  was united in outrage last night after formula one ace Lewis Hamilton was racially abused by the Spanish, of all people.