Sport

Formula One To Feature An Elephant On A Skateboard

MOTORSPORT bosses have unveiled plans to overhaul Formula One with exciting new features, including hand to hand combat and an elephant on a skateboard.

England To Be Excused From Sports

ENGLAND has asked to be excused from sports for the rest of the year after producing a note from its mum.

Keegan And Newcastle Pledge To Drive Off A Cliff Together

KEVIN  Keegan and Newcastle have pledged to drive off a cliff together in a final act of sisterhood, rather than face relegation from the premier league.

Chinese Food 'Insufficiently Cheese-Ridden', Say Americans

US athletes will take their own food to the Beijing Olympics after discovering the Chinese diet is alarmingly cheese-free.

Capello Tells England Players To Stop Being So Bad At Football

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello has urged his squad to be much better at playing football, ahead of tonight's friendly against Switzerland.

'Oi, Manuel! A Bit Less Racism And A Bit More Service, If You Don't Mind'

BRITAIN  was united in outrage last night after formula one ace Lewis Hamilton was racially abused by the Spanish, of all people.

DSS To Fund Liverpool Take-Over

LIVERPOOL fans have launched a bid buy their beloved football club, backed by millions of pounds from the Department of Social Security.

Man City Players Love Chasing Sticks, Says Eriksson

MANCHESTER City manager Sven Goran Eriksson has revealed his players love to chase after sticks and are easily distracted by bright lights.

Ferguson Apologises To Pre-Menstrual Reading Fans

SIR ALEX Ferguson has apologised for upsetting Reading supporters at the weekend, saying he did not realise they were having their period.

Newcastle Sign Keegan For 'Bonus Night'

NEWCASTLE United was last night trying desperately to justify itself after signing up for a 'bonus night' of no-strings fun with unstable ex-boyfriend Kevin Keegan.

Benitez's Desk Moved Into Car Park

THE desk of Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez has been moved into the car park as a ‘precautionary measure’, the club confirmed last night.

Capello 'Injured' While Signing Contract

NEW England manager Fabio Capello fell to the ground clutching his face while signing his contract today, claiming he was attacked by FA chief executive Brian Barwick.