Sport

Newcastle Sign Keegan For 'Bonus Night'

NEWCASTLE United was last night trying desperately to justify itself after signing up for a 'bonus night' of no-strings fun with unstable ex-boyfriend Kevin Keegan.

Benitez's Desk Moved Into Car Park

THE desk of Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez has been moved into the car park as a ‘precautionary measure’, the club confirmed last night.

Capello 'Injured' While Signing Contract

NEW England manager Fabio Capello fell to the ground clutching his face while signing his contract today, claiming he was attacked by FA chief executive Brian Barwick.

England Players Vow To Spend Their Way Out Of Depression

DAVID Beckham is to buy himself a Bugatti Veyron, a diamond covered horse and the nation of Equitorial Guinea in a bid to ease the pain of England's Euro 2008 failure. 

Scotland dies laughing

TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland after the entire country laughed itself to death.

Wayne Rooney's Wine Cellar A Poof, Say City Fans

THE wine cellar of Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney is such a total poof, according to rival supporters.

Ferguson Calls For Cap On Arsenal Winning

SIR Alex Ferguson has demanded a cap on the number of matches Arsenal is allowed to win during a Premier League season.

Hamilton Lost Because He Was Black, Claim Geneticists

LEADING geneticists last night claimed that Lewis Hamilton failed to secure glory in Brazil because he does not possess the key Formula One World Champion gene.

Springbok Plot To Steal Wilkinson's Feet

POLICE have thwarted an attempt by the South African rugby association to steal Johnny Wilkinson's feet before Saturday's world cup final.

Footballers Spent Nurse Cash On Emergency Supercars

PREMIERSHIP footballers who pledged to donate a day's wages to a nurses' campaign have instead spent the money on some more cars, it has emerged.

Alonso May Be Forced To Earn £20 Million Somewhere Else

MCLAREN racing driver Fernando Alonso was last night coming to terms with the harsh reality that he may be forced to earn £20 million a year somewhere else.

Mourinho Quits After Sushi Offer

FORMER Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has quit the club after his Russian employers offered to discuss his contract over sushi.