FABIO Capello has picked Steven Gerrard as the man who will miss England's crucial World Cup semi-final penalty in 2010.
THE original budget for the London Olympics failed to include more than £8 billion for pointless leaflets that will go straight in the bin, MPs said last night.
ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger last night refused to condemn referees as a collection of bastards who would do anything to help Manchester United win the league.
REBEL Indian cricket promoters were last night ordered to return to their labours in the tea plantations, or feel the harsh crack of English discipline.
BRITAIN was riding the crest of a wave of victory last night after repeatedly striking gold in one of those sports that nobody ever watches.
PRESIDENT Nicolas Sarkozy was thrown out of Britain last night and told to stick his Anglo-French brotherhood up his arse, after England lost 1-0 to France.
MOTORSPORT bosses have unveiled plans to overhaul Formula One with exciting new features, including hand to hand combat and an elephant on a skateboard.
ENGLAND has asked to be excused from sports for the rest of the year after producing a note from its mum.
KEVIN Keegan and Newcastle have pledged to drive off a cliff together in a final act of sisterhood, rather than face relegation from the premier league.
US athletes will take their own food to the Beijing Olympics after discovering the Chinese diet is alarmingly cheese-free.
ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello has urged his squad to be much better at playing football, ahead of tonight's friendly against Switzerland.
BRITAIN was united in outrage last night after formula one ace Lewis Hamilton was racially abused by the Spanish, of all people.