NEW England manager Fabio Capello fell to the ground clutching his face while signing his contract today, claiming he was attacked by FA chief executive Brian Barwick.
DAVID Beckham is to buy himself a Bugatti Veyron, a diamond covered horse and the nation of Equitorial Guinea in a bid to ease the pain of England's Euro 2008 failure.
TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland after the entire country laughed itself to death.
THE wine cellar of Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney is such a total poof, according to rival supporters.
SIR Alex Ferguson has demanded a cap on the number of matches Arsenal is allowed to win during a Premier League season.
LEADING geneticists last night claimed that Lewis Hamilton failed to secure glory in Brazil because he does not possess the key Formula One World Champion gene.
POLICE have thwarted an attempt by the South African rugby association to steal Johnny Wilkinson's feet before Saturday's world cup final.
PREMIERSHIP footballers who pledged to donate a day's wages to a nurses' campaign have instead spent the money on some more cars, it has emerged.
MCLAREN racing driver Fernando Alonso was last night coming to terms with the harsh reality that he may be forced to earn £20 million a year somewhere else.
FORMER Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has quit the club after his Russian employers offered to discuss his contract over sushi.
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has agreed to cover all bets at this afternoon's EBF Maiden Stakes and is tipping the Irish two year-old, General Ting.
NO holds barred cage fighting can lead to long term gayness and an obsession with thighs, the British Medical Association claimed last night.