England 2026 bid to be based on bribes and poison

ENGLAND’S bid for the 2026 World Cup will focus less on youth development and stadia and more on backhanders and polonium sandwiches, it has been confirmed.

Mr Blatter has asked for his dog to be returned

As Fifa president Sepp Blatter announced Russia as hosts of the 2018 event, the Football Association stressed that next time it would simply hand out jiffy bags stuffed with crisp £50 notes along with the implicit threat of certain death.

An FA spokesman said: “We also realised we made a huge mistake bringing David Beckham and Prince William. Next time round we’ll just get Kenneth Noyes and couple of Barbara Windsor’s ex-husbands out on day release and let them do a bit of mingling.”

In Zurich, a delighted Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin said he was ‘very very surprised’ that his country’s bid had been successful adding: “So, so surprised. I really am very surprised indeed.

“I am also very pleased for Mr Blatter and his colleagues. They must be incredibly relieved. I know I would be.”

Shortly before the voting began the Russian FA ordered a waiter to offer round a tray of exotic fish paste sandwiches while Mr Putin stood behind him glaring menacingly at each member of the voting committee.

He then asked each of the Fifa officials if they were voting for Russia and if they hesitated or said ‘no’, Mr Putin immediately replied: “Take sandwich. Is good.”

Russia’s winning presentation used state-of-the-art computer graphics to depict each committee member cruising along the French Riviera in a Bentley Continental alongside a large-chested blonde woman who was clearly attracted to them, to the strains of Beautiful Day by U2.

But the presentation came to a sudden and dramatic climax with a large, black-bordered photograph of former KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko lying in his London hospital bed, accompanied by the opening bars of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.

Mr Putin then took to the stage and said: “We will also build some stadiums and have trains.”

England fan Tom Logan said: “I’m gutted for England but I’m also looking forward to going to Russia, having something slipped into my drink, waking up in a basement and told that I have to marry someone’s sister and take a load of heroin back to Stevenage or they’ll shoot my mum.”