England fans gripped by opposite of fever

THE announcement of England’s squad has triggered no excitement ahead of the Euro 2012 tournament.

A nation gripped by meh

Roy Hodgson’s press conference, not broadcast on radio in case any listeners were driving vehicles or operating heavy machinery, delivered a blend of the predictable, disappointing and Frank Lampard that left pulse rates unaffected.

England fan Wayne Hayes said: “I might get one of those flags for the car if the newspapers are giving them away but I threw out the face paint after the last one. When’s it all starting?

“Actually, I think I’m visiting the wife’s sister in Carlisle next month so I’ll probably miss most of it, but if we get past the group stage I might have a look.

“What? Andy Carroll? Really? Oh well, that’s solved that one, then.”

Meanwhile, the tournament has claimed its first managerial casualty as Kenny Dalglish has left Liverpool FC after failing to rid the England side of Liverpool players.

The smile-free galoot master had hoped to render everybody in the team unselectable for the national side, but England still go to Euro 2012 with the drag factor of four Liverpool players.

Dalglish said: “I’m actually from Buckinghamshire, I’ve always loved the England football team and I don’t want to see it cluttered with the likes of Henderson walking into things or Gerrard trying to launch the ball into geostationary orbit.

“I tried my best or worst, depending on how you look at it, but I don’t think anyone in their wildest dreams could have foreseen Downing being picked.”