England World Cup Bid Endangered By England

ENGLAND'S 2018 World Cup bid could be undermined by the hellish, unremitting dreadfulness of everything in the country, it was claimed last night.

English lady make you sandwich

Former Birmingham City managing director Karren Brady warned England will be competing against nations with sunshine, culture, clean stadia and women that don't look like wookies dipped in Primark.

Brady, now a member of the England 2018 board, said: "At this stage our only hope is to try and make a virtue out of all the rain and the vomit. It would also help if everything didn't reek of piss."

She added: "I suppose my dream slogan would have to be something along the lines of  'England – where the rain will wash away your vomit and nothing smells of piss anymore'."

Meanwhile the 2018 bid has also been hit by infighting between organisers over what excuses they should give FIFA for England's transport network, its inhumane sandwiches and the existence of Croydon.

An FA spokesman said: "One director wanted to tell them some big town planners did it and ran away, while another said we should simply cover it with a large tarpaulin for the next nine years."

Last night FIFA president Sepp Blatter signalled he would be willing to overlook the rain, vomit, piss and Croydon but stressed that Liverpudlians remain 'comprehensively unacceptable'.

He added: "You can't expect people from decent countries to get from Lime Street Station to Anfield without wanting to kill themselves. We may as well just machine gun them as they get off the train."