Liverpool Squad Down To Four Players

RAFAEL Benitez last night said he had cleared out the dead wood from the Liverpool squad, leaving him with the four players he really needs.

The new kettle

Thirty seven players have been sold by the manager, raising almost £400 in transfer fees. Many fetched far greater sums than expected as they came equipped with their own boots and training bibs.

Benitez said: "We no longer have Dossena clumping around the pitch like 14 stone of porridge in shorts, but we do have a new kettle for the boot room."

Liverpool will be looking to their talismanic players Torres and Gerrard even more in the coming months as they will be expected to cover nine-tenths of the pitch by themselves.

Benitez said Reina will continue to man the goal and defensive duties will be covered by Carragher, adding: "Selling a fat Russian porn actor masquerading as a striker was one thing, but trying to offload a defender with the turning circle of a dead horse and an accent like a tuba having a row was impossible."

The manager said the club's next big task is to move the entire stadium slightly to the left 'so we can unearth the pirate king’s onions that have cursed us with poor results'.

Assistant manager Sammy Lee said "I can't leave him alone for five minutes. Last year he set fire to the pitch because the grass was 'looking at him funny'. Please do bear with us, it won't be long now."