Sport Headlines

Yep, this is as 'exciting' as golf gets, confirm fans

GOLF fans are insisting that the Ryder Cup is a tense, explosive contest that will have even the golf-averse on the edge of their seats.

Jose Mourinho's guide to being a miserable bastard

HOLA, this is the Special One, Jose Mourinho and I'm here to teach you how be a proper miserable sod.

Jose Mourinho increasingly resembles caretaker from Scooby-Doo

UNITED manager Jose Mourinho increasingly resembles the Scooby-Doo caretaker who has found gold on the premises, players have claimed.

Bloody cyclist going too fast again

A BLOODY cyclist has been going too bloody fast, it has been confirmed.

Badly-planned Tour de France route full of hills

SHOCKED Tour de France competitors have discovered that poor planning has led to a very mountainous route.

Give Belgium third place if they want it, England players agree

ENGLAND players have agreed that today’s third-place play-off should just be given to Belgium if they want it because it is no use to us.

Man who likes to point out that football originated in China told to shut up

A MAN who enjoys saying that strictly speaking football's 'home' is in China has been politely asked to shut the fuck up.

England game too personal to watch in front of anyone

AN England fan has strongly rejected an invitation to watch tonight's game in a pub because he can only face it alone.

Scotland suddenly teeming with Croatia fans

SCOTLAND is suddenly teeming with Croatia fans, it has been confirmed.

It's okay to lose as long as you try your very best, fans assure England

ENGLAND fans have reassured the World Cup squad that they will still be just as proud if they win or lose as long as they try their hardest.

Dad has can of lager before 9am in preparation for England game

A DAD has already had a full can of lager before anyone got up in anticipation of this afternoon’s England game, he has admitted.

England fan to savour next penalty shootout as if it were a fine wine

AN England fan is planning to savour the team’s next penalty shootout as if it were a fine, vintage wine.