UNITED manager Jose Mourinho increasingly resembles the Scooby-Doo caretaker who has found gold on the premises, players have claimed.
A BLOODY cyclist has been going too bloody fast, it has been confirmed.
SHOCKED Tour de France competitors have discovered that poor planning has led to a very mountainous route.
ENGLAND players have agreed that today’s third-place play-off should just be given to Belgium if they want it because it is no use to us.
A MAN who enjoys saying that strictly speaking football's 'home' is in China has been politely asked to shut the fuck up.
AN England fan has strongly rejected an invitation to watch tonight's game in a pub because he can only face it alone.
SCOTLAND is suddenly teeming with Croatia fans, it has been confirmed.
ENGLAND fans have reassured the World Cup squad that they will still be just as proud if they win or lose as long as they try their hardest.
A DAD has already had a full can of lager before anyone got up in anticipation of this afternoon’s England game, he has admitted.
AN England fan is planning to savour the team’s next penalty shootout as if it were a fine, vintage wine.
ENGLAND fans are anticipating tonight’s match with the same mixture of creeping dread and desperate hope that they would take to a job interview.
FOOTBALL hipsters have insisted the current World Cup is 'vastly inferior' to Switzerland '54.