Sport Headlines

Thank god the football's back, says man who refused to watch Women's Euros

FINALLY there is football on again, according to a man who avoided the women's European Championships.

Men 'not really equipped to do sport'

QUESTIONS have been raised as to whether men's sport should be given equal coverage to women's sport.

Mourinho unveils schedule for extensive pre-season ego trip

JOSE Mourinho has revealed plans for a summer tour of his monumental self-regard.

Dreadful American defiles Wimbledon with his ghastly skill

WIMBLEDON has been defiled, perhaps forever, by the vulgar skill and strength of some dreadful American who probably eats with his hands.

Wimbledon crowd cheers as Murray's opponent mauled by bear

WIMBLEDON fans rejoiced as Andrew Murray's opponent was attacked by a brown bear, it has emerged.

Guardiola to guest-edit FourFourTwo and rename it OneTen

PEP Guardiola is to guest-edit football magazine Four Four Two and change its name to One Ten, it has emerged.

Bigger Premier League clubs planning to bully Huddersfield

THE other Premier League teams are hatching a plot to bully newcomers Huddersfield throughout next season.

Everything fine at Arsenal now

EVERYTHING is wonderful at Arsenal and nothing whatsoever needs to change, fans have confirmed.

John Terry's Chelsea farewell 'a bit over the top', says North Korea

JOHN Terry's Chelsea farewell was a bit too much pomp and ceremony, according to North Korea.

Rooney to stay at Old trafford as statue outside club shop

WAYNE Rooney has pledged to remain at Old Trafford next season, completely immobile and immortalised in brass.

Athletics ‘too hard’ without drugs

ATHLETES have rejected a crackdown on drug use, admitting it is only the drugs that make running a really long way halfway tolerable.

Incredible success of Newcastle and West Ham explained

FINANCIAL double-dealing may be behind the continent-conquering success of Newcastle and West Ham, observers believe.