Sport Headlines

Cage Fighting Probably Gay, Say Doctors

NO holds barred cage fighting can lead to long term gayness and an obsession with thighs, the British Medical Association claimed last night.

Beckham Unable To Pronounce 'Scientology'

IN his first major setback since arriving in Los Angeles, David Beckham has revealed he is unable to pronounce the word 'Scientology'.

Wimbledon To Play Several Matches On Same Court To Clear Backlog

WIMBLEDON is to start playing up to three matches on the same court at the same time in a bid to clear the backlog caused by the bad weather.

Wimbledon To Ban Fisting

OFFICIALS at Wimbledon are to outlaw the practice of 'fisting' during matches in a move to clean up the increasingly offensive world of international tennis.

 

Old Firm Link To Spoiled Ballots

MORE than 99% of the spoiled ballots in the Holyrood election came from areas with the highest concentration of Rangers and Celtic supporters, according to new research.

Commonwealth Games mascot is shit-faced octopus

HE encapsulates modern Glasgow and extends a warm Scottish welcome to the world: He's Mungo the Shit-Faced Octopus.

Public Warned Not To Approach Olympic Logo Designer

POLICE have issued an urgent warning to the public not to approach the designer of the London 2012 Olympic logo.

Andy Murray Appoints Excuses Coach

BRITISH number one Andy Murray has completed his preparations for dropping out of Wimbledon with the appointment of a world-class excuses coach.

Olympic Band 'Unlikely To Learn Scottish National Anthem'

THE musical director for the 2012 London Olympics has admitted that the ceremonial brass band 'probably won't bother' to learn Scotland's national anthem.

Romanov Turns A-Listed Treasure Into Garden Centre

HEARTS chairman Vladimir Romanov is to transform the old Royal Bank of Scotland headquarters in Edinburgh into the city's first A-listed discount garden centre.

Glasgow Launches Bid For 'Swearing Olympics'

GLASGOW city leaders today unveiled a £40 million package of incentives in their bid to host the 2014 Commonmouth Games – the Olympics of world swearing.

Poland And Ukraine Win Plumbing And Joinery Contracts For Euro 2012

IN a surprise announcement Uefa has awarded the lucrative plumbing and joinery contracts for the Euro 2012 football championships to Poland and Ukraine.