Sport Headlines
Man tired because he stayed up watching ‘the swimming’
AN OFFICE worker is exhausted today because of watching something he describes as ‘the swimming’.
There is no ball, table tennis players admit
INTERNATIONAL table tennis players have confessed that there have been no balls involved at the sport’s top level for 30 years.
Garry Monk suddenly remembers he's Leeds manager
FORMER Swansea boss Garry Monk has suddenly remembered he was appointed Leeds United manager over two months ago.
FA Cup to trial substituting finalists
THE FA will substitute lower-league teams who reach the FA Cup final for popular clubs like Manchester United.
Russia to host Olympic Games on Drugs
RUSSIA is to host an alternative Olympic Games where drug use is obligatory.
FA says, ‘f**k it, what does it matter?’
THE Football Association has finally given up and appointed Sam Allardyce as England manager.
Sunderland to spend £30m on someone, anyone
SUNDERLAND has pledged to smash its transfer record to bring in anyone, anyone at all.
Chris Froome abandons bike after realising they’re for kids
CHRIS Froome has completed a stage of the Tour de France on foot after suddenly realising that cycling is not what a grown man should be doing.
Football fans face terrifying hours without football
WORRIED fans have been reassured that pre-season fixtures are already under way, saving them from interacting with any other aspect of society.
Wimbledon finished two days ago
THE Wimbledon Tennis Championship concluded on Wednesday but nobody noticed, officials have confirmed.
Sam Allardyce disqualified from England job by wanting it
SAM Allardyce has been ruled out as England manager because he would actually like to do the job, the FA has confirmed.
Plucky Wales reminds England they weren't even plucky
WALES’ plucky performance in the semi-final of Euro 16 has reminded England fans that their team was not even remotely plucky.