Sport Headlines

Twenty per cent of UK workforce on loan from Chelsea FC

ONE in five British workers are on loan to their current job from Chelsea FC, it has emerged.

Premier League chairman wakes up wondering who the f**k he bought last night

A PREMIER League chairman has woken up in the boardroom with vague memories of going on a transfer binge late last night.

Goalkeeper at five-a-side looks suspiciously like Joe Hart

THE opposition goalkeeper in a Goals five-a-side league match near Manchester looks a lot like Joe Hart, players have reported.

Audience at darts tournament have no idea there's a darts tournament going on

THE MAJORITY of the crowd at the Perth Masters darts tournament have no idea that there is a darts tournament being played, they have confirmed.

Incredibly rich countries surprisingly win most gold medals

INCREDIBLY wealthy nations have surprisingly cleaned up at the Olympics.

Arsenal relegation 'to be this year's Premier League feelgood story'

ARSENAL getting relegated could be an even more heartwarming football story than Leicester City's triumph last season, it has been claimed.

Female athletes' medals 78 per cent the size of male counterparts

MEDALS awarded to female Olympics athletes are slightly smaller than the ‘male’ version, it has been confirmed.

Well done Britain and this won’t affect any future wars, says China

CHINA has laughed off Britain’s superior Olympics medal haul with some good-humoured jokes about future global conflicts.

Man not interested in random sport things

A MAN with no interest in random sport things like rowing, gymnastics and judo is mentally ill, friends and colleagues believe.

Mourinho to whip a naked Juan Mata through the streets of Salford 


JOSE Mourinho has given Juan Mata the day off so he can whip his naked body through the streets of Salford.

Proper Olympics finally start

SEVEN days after the opening ceremony, the Olympics will finally begin.

Fair-weather Leicester fan dreading start of season

A MAN who has been a die-hard Leicester City fan for nearly six months is not looking forward to the new Premier League season.