Monday, 19th April 2021

'F**k it, let's all go indoors': the five new ways to know you're too pissed

UNSURE how to spot you’ve had one too many now you can’t get kicked out of the pub for vomiting in a pint glass? Here are the tell-tale signs in the age of Covid.

You think hypothermia is something you can drink through

So your extremities are numb but that’s not something that another triple brandy won’t fix, is it? And by ‘fix’ you mean ‘render you so insensible that you fall asleep in the garden and wake up with crows pecking your fingers’?

You throw anything on the barbecue

Barbecue, fire pit, whatever: when you’re drunk enough to engage with man’s primal question of ‘what will burn’ then it’s time to stop. Instead you’ll start burning Stella boxes, random sticks, litter and mouthfuls of vodka, spat straight into the flames. 

Your annoying neighbours are your best mates

You’ve been involved in a boundary dispute with your neighbours since 2017 and their dog shits all over your lawn but they’re the first people you’ve seen properly since lockdown and now you’ve had two bottles of Shiraz you love them. And after a bottle of gin they’re equally keen on you. 

You drunkenly purchase a patio heater

Even though you’ve drunk so much that your beer jacket should now be fully functioning, you’re still cold. Rather than telling your mates to go home your solution is to spend two hundred quid on an ex-pub garden patio heater, which turns out to be broken.

You say ‘F**k it guys, let’s all go indoors’

Having been incredibly careful for a whole year, you’ll know you’re shitfaced when you throw caution to the wind and invite five mates into your home from the garden for impromptu YouTube karaoke the moment the breeze picks up. You come down with Covid the next day.