Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man picked last in PE still taking out anger on entire world

A MAN who was the last to be chosen for PE teams is still exacting vengeance on everyone and everything 40 years later.

Fuelled by the humiliation of being very reluctantly picked for games he was bad at playing, Martin Bishop has spent the rest of his life wreaking havoc on people, plants, animals and inanimate objects.

He said: “People think it’s loners who didn’t get into art school you have to look out for. But they’re nothing compared to the last nerd standing on a rain-lashed school playing field.

“Nobody and nothing is safe from my wrath. If kids kick a ball over my fence I enthusiastically puncture it right in front them. It makes me feel good in the place where my heart should be. Even the sight of coastal erosion fills me with twisted glee. F**k you, land. You think you’re so special.

“If I ruled the world, which by rights I should, PE would be illegal. Also I’d be allowed to execute anyone with good hand-eye coordination. Then there’d just be me and all the other geeks left and we’d be free to be unhappy together.

“Although I’d probably end up offing them as well because they’re really annoying in their own unique ways. But I’m definitely not.”