A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.
‘I can’t imagine smoking in a pub’
F**k off. This is an obvious reference to you being middle-aged. The smoking ban came in in 2007, which is practically yesterday, and your Gen Z colleague is clearly mocking you because it’s easy to imagine smoking in a pub – just visualise having a pint in a burning building but everyone is strangely calm. That’s £20,000 compensation please, Mr Employer.
‘Back in your day…’
What era was this? Are they suggesting there were hippies and Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival was in the charts? Or were German paratroops landing in Norway? Maybe they think you’re single because your partner got eaten by a pteranodon? It’s definitely suggesting you’re old, which is basically ‘age racism’ so you’ll be informing HR and getting them sacked.
‘What did you do before the internet?’
This is likely the result of a Gen Zer asking how you looked things up. The answer is: people just didn’t know stuff, but even after getting the internet they were still pretty thick. Also they’re clearly alluding to your masturbatory habits, eg. wanking over Kays catalogue underwear models who are now probably dead, or Davina McCall in a bikini in FHM. The past truly is a different country. And they’re asking about wanking so it’s £15,000 for ageism and another £30,000 for sexual harassment.
‘D’you need a hand with that?’
Are they implying that you, a 48-year-old at their physical peak, is somehow less fit than when you were 25, and can’t replace the tank on the office water cooler on your own? You’ll have £15,000 for age discrimination, thank you very much, and another £20,000 for putting your back out.
‘Sydney Sweeney, the blonde one from Madame Web’
Disgusting. They’re implying you don’t know who Sydney Sweeney is, and thus have no sexual interest in the comely spider-girl. They may as well just say you’re a Hugh Hefner-style geriatric who requires God knows what injections and manual manipulations to stand even a small chance of achieving an erection, and that’s pretty insulting. In fact you know Sydney’s character is Julia Cornwall in the film, she was in Euphoria and the SNL Hooters sketch, and her probable cup size is D. So you’re practically an expert witness if it goes to a tribunal.
‘I wouldn’t remember that’
The ‘that’ in question is almost certainly some film or TV show which isn’t that old, like The Phantom Menace. Boy, was that a letdown when you saw it at the cinema. Oh. Thanks to the new-fangled world wide web you’ve just discovered it came out in 1999, ie. the last century. Maybe you’ll let this one ride.
‘Have you got a pension?’
This is no innocent inquiry by some young pup sensibly thinking about paying into the company pension scheme or setting up one of their own. No, it’s implying you are an arthritic old crone who spends her twilight years watching Doctors and collecting Danbury Mint plates of Prince Louis. That’s incredibly prejudiced and thus worth at least £18,000.
‘Who is Janet Ellis?’
Only the most beautiful woman in the world, you asexual, emotionally-stunted imbecile. Admittedly it was you who started rambling about Janet from Jigsaw in the first place, but the blank look on your Gen Z colleague’s face is clearly suggesting you are old. And that’s a f**king insult, to you and, more importantly, to Janet.
