Politics

THE prime minister plans to recover from today’s election results by launching a new pandemic and furloughing everyone.

ARE you a Conservative MP worried about job security? Learn how to stand out from millions of other jobseekers desperate for work with this guide.

THE electorate has reassured the Conservatives they would find a change of leader both desperate and hilarious.

THE public has been informed that if they stand still and the wind is blowing in the right direction, they will actually be able to hear the Conservative party imploding.

LOCAL Conservative councillors have done nothing wrong, so will you vengefully punish them for the sins of the national party in local elections tomorrow?

LONDON mayoral candidate Susan Hall has been criticised for a campaign based on unhinged attacks on Sadiq Khan and appearing to hate the capital. Here she shares a last rant before losing.

SO many Tories have defected to Labour over the years they have an initiation ritual modelled on the Hell’s Angels. This is what Dr Dan Poulter will have to endure.

WHO needs a functioning opposition to f**k up a decade in government? Not the SNP! They’ve proved you can do it effectively and stylishly all on your own.