BRIGHTON-BASED seagulls outrank human beings and regard them as prey beneath them on the food chain, it has emerged.
Seagulls from the East Sussex city have claimed their rightful position of dominance after years of swooping down and stealing chips straight out of the hands of unwary residents and naive tourists.
Ornothologist Bill McKay said: “Seagulls are a pest all over the country. But in Brighton they’re running the show like the Mafia. It’s scary.
“They’re so aggressive that people have been knocked down to second place in the pecking order. You take your life in your hands just walking along the seafront. If you’re not careful you’ll be picked up in a beak and flown out to sea, never to be heard from again.
“Maybe they’ve been angered by the perpetual skunk fog hanging over the city and the overabundance of shit DJs. Or perhaps they’ve practised their intimidation skills by bullying the lefty locals who wouldn’t dream of fighting back. Either way, they’re hard as f**k.”
Seagull Martin Bishop said: “Nice tostada from La Choza you’ve got there. Shame if something were to happen to it.”